What to Do When You Feel Like Everyone Hates You

I’m Nice to Everyone…But I Feel Everyone Secretly Hates Me. What Do I Do?

What to Do When You Feel Like Everyone Hates You

Why do we socialize?

…to have fun

…to connect with people

…to burn off steam

….to avoid spending Friday night alone with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a Friends marathon

You get the picture.

All of those are the “goals” of socialization.

But if you’ve grown up strugglin’ to rock some Beyonce-level confidence, your “map” of how to reach that goal is upside-down, backwards and missing a looot of important streets and turns. And that’s not your fault! Ever since childhood, most of us have been taught to be “nice” and “good” little boys or girls who never have temper tantrums and always fit in.

And as a result, you’ve grown up thinking that if you please other people and not ruffle any feathers or cause any discomfort, you will be the queeeeen of likability.

That you will be LOVED just as much as your parents loved their “good” little daughter or son.

So you treat your social interactions a science experiment: if you do X, Y or Z, how is that affecting the “subjects”? Is it making them happy, you want?

The Truth About Cultivating Real Friendships 

The truth is, though, connecting with people is soooooo much more complicated and messy than just making people smile or laugh. Case in point? Just think about who you and respect and admire and love.

Do you love people who tiptoe around others and would rather be “nice” than tell you the truth? Or do you love people Lady Gaga who are super freakin’ real and not afraid to rock their own crazy, authentic selves? Lady Gaga knows who she is and lives from that space…and that’s why she’s innnsssaanely inspirational to tons of people (including me!).

Similarly, you don’t want a boss who is uuuuber critical just because they cutting people down. But you DO want bosses and co-workers who will give you honest feedback and share their real opinions without worrying if they’re saying the “right” thing.

How to Take Action TODAY:

Before you do ANYTHING to change how you act to make friends, you gotta dig into the root of the problem: your mindset about relationships.

Do you think that making connections is about niceness, people-pleasing and self-monitoring? Or about authenticity? And if you agree more with the first definition, get reallll with yourself.

Recognize that, right now, your map to making connections with people has as many holes in it as your friend’s retelling of a Friday night out after she’s had waaaay too many drinks. And embrace the fact that you’re gonna need to draw a new map to real, deep relationships.

Here’s how you start: Take some time to reflect on who you feel happiest around.

How do they act? What traits caused you to feel drawn to them in the first place? Come up with a list of at least five badasses you look up to, whether they’re people you know personally or people you just admire from afar ( my girl, Lady Gaga!). And then use those people as guides for learning how to be authentic and connect to people by showing the imperfect but 100% true you.

Step 2: Learn to yourself just as much as you Beyonce’s latest badass Instagram post.

A lot of the time when I ask people, “Do you yourself? Why?”, their answer is something , “Well, I that I’m always nice to people, and that’s a suuuper important quality.”

And, yes. The world would be a whooooole lot better if everyone was just as nice as you are! But here’s the thang about confidence. It needs a stronger foundation than just how you relate to other people.

You need to build confidence based off of who you fundamentally are.

Otherwise, you’ll always feel anxious and be constantly monitoring how other people see you because you NEED their approval to feel good about yourself.

Step 3: Recognize that people not liking you isn’t *gasp* the end of the world!

I know. Especially if you grew up in a “nice” family mine, we’re all programmed to want people to us.

We grow up thinking that never making people unhappy or angry or confused is what it means to be a “good person.

” But rubbing people the wrong way isn’t NEARLY as “horrible” as you think it is…in fact, it’s often just a side effect of putting your voice out into the world and livin’ out your own purpose in life!

Just think again about your mentors, the people you most admire. Do those people have haters? HELL YEAH! I bet that if you go on Instagram right now and look at the latest post by some actor, movie star, politician or entrepreneur you admire crazy, you’ll see just as many negative comments as positive ones.

Hell, even I’ve gotten tons of hate while growing my holistic coaching practice! Whenever I put an ad on , I get actual hate mail because I’m disrupting people’s way of thinking about wellness and what causes real happiness.

But ya know what? Those people’s hate is NOT my problem! If I let haters control my life, I would not be able to fulfill my mission to make allll the other awesome people in the world feel super healthy and balanced.

So I try to see this hate as proof that my message of authenticity, compassion and natural living IS getting out into the world…even to those who might not want to hear it.

Because the truth is, boldness and authenticity and courage WILL piss people off. But does that mean you should retreat back to that “nice” facade you’ve been giving off? That’s another HELL NO!

Step 4. Ask for what you really want in relationships!

Have you ever wished you could just wave a magic wand and poof! People would you?

Well, this last step is no magic wand, but it CAN help you start to build connections with people you truly admire and would to connect with on a deeper level.

The One Conversation That Can Transform Your Relationships

But all of these talks usually have three main parts:

  1. Layin’ down the purpose of your chat with something , “I really admire everything you’ve achieved and I want to be more you” or “Hey, I want to develop a better friendship with you and hang out more.”
  2. Getting reaaaaal about what you feel they think about you! For instance: “Sometimes I feel we disconnect” or “Sometimes I think I’m not your favorite person.” And ask them, “Is that true? Is that accurate?”
  3. Most importantly, finding out what THEY . Ask “What qualities or activities could help us develop a better relationship?” or, in the case of a more casual social connection, “What kind of things do you to do?”

This talk is AMMMMAZING for a few reasons. First, it gives you a suuuper clear idea of what your relationship to that person is already. For instance, maybe your boss actually thinks you’re an awesome worker, but she has a sick kid at home and has been too stressed out to praise your good work.

Even more importantly, though, this talk also lets you work on getting close to that person through real understanding and actual conversation.

‘Cause when you’re just guessing what someone will or want you to do, you’ll always feel you’re doing something wrong or that you’re not enough.

You’ll always be looking for signs of discomfort in that other person, and if you do see it, you’ll blame yourself because that’s the story you’ve been telling yourself for years.

So say no to guesswork and take a more concrete, direct approach to connecting with people instead. Trust me. You (and your future friends!) will all thank you!

What I Wish I Could’ve Told My Past Self Who Thought, “I Feel Everyone Secretly Hates Me.”

If you’re reading through this post and nodding your head but also feeling suuuuper terrified about actually making these changes in your own life…I understand.

I know how intimidating it sounds to go to a party or a work meeting or even a holiday dinner with family and say what you think instead of what will make everyone else happy.

I know how overwhelming it is to reimagine your worth as something separate from how you make other people feel.

And I know how freakin’ terrifying it can be to say “no!” to a bunch of the things you’ve grown up hearing – about how you should be “nice” to make friends or about how you should “not make any waves” – and start living your truth.

But I want YOU to know this:

You couldn’t pay me to go back to being the girl I used to be. Sure, I may not be as universally “d” as that bland, nice version of myself often was. Now, I have haters. I’ve gotten into arguments.

But I’ve also made friends with people I can truly say get me. I’ve started a business that I believe in, no matter what Bill from Oklahoma or Kathy from Florida has to say about it on my posts.

And I honestly myself for the traits that make me, well, me – and not because of what people say or think about me.

So if you’re just starting your journey to true, inner confidence and struggling to stop caring about what other people think…know that it will get better. That it IS worth the work. And that once you hone into your own unique, vibrant inner confidence, you’ll be ready to live YOUR best life, no matter what anyone else has to say about it!

Who’s one person you really and admire that you want to develop a closer relationship to? Tell me in the comments!

Источник: https://www.caitlinmargaret.com/nice-everyone-feel-like-everyone-secretly-hates-me/

Bipolar Disorder and Social Anxiety: “Does Everyone Hate Me?” | bpHope.com

What to Do When You Feel Like Everyone Hates You

I have to laugh at the dramatic title that came to my mind as I contemplated what to write about for this post. It’s something my depressed mind would insist upon (“Of course everyone hates you—you’re a dumb, ugly loser.”) It’s something that would never even occur to my manic mind (“Everyone loves you! You are so amazing! You’re practically famous!”). You get the idea.

Social Anxiety, Loneliness, and Stability

Having been in remission from bipolar disorder for over a year now, I am surprised at the ever-present social anxiety and loneliness I still experience. Part of this is living far from my family and friends.

I only have a few family members nearby, and I’ve never regained the wonderful friendships I had growing up. Part of this feeling also comes from the fact that I often actually to be alone. But, sometimes, being alone crosses over into loneliness.

And part of this experience is the very bad habit of “mind-reading.”

Brain Habits That Distort Perception

If you are not familiar with it, the cognitive distortion known as “mind-reading” or “fortune-telling” is when you try to predict or assume what everyone around you is thinking. For example, when I go to work and someone ignores me when I say hello, I automatically jump to the worst-case scenario.

I think, Oh my gosh, that was so embarrassing! Why would I just say hello to someone nowhere that?! They obviously hate me and are totally annoyed by my presence. They must think I’m a complete idiot. I’m never going to say hello to anyone again unless they say hello first.

This example shows not just mind-reading, but also over-generalization and catastrophizing (They obviously hate me.…I’m never going to say hello to anyone again…), yet more cognitive distortions.

Breaking Patterns of Negative Thinking

These types of cognitive distortions—mind-reading, fortune-telling, overgeneralizing, and catastrophizing—can really color my world, even when I’m experiencing relative wellness. They are insidious because they are old patterns of thinking and are practically automatic. But in order to break these patterns, I have found some ways to cope.

  1. Stop mind-reading! Or, if I must mind-read, consider the range of options. For example, perhaps the person I said hello to simply didn’t hear me (I tend to speak quietly, after all). Perhaps they have a lot on their mind and are in their own little world. Maybe they had a fight with their husband before coming to work. Maybe their son is sick. Maybe their dog died. Maybe they are thinking about what they want to eat for lunch! The possibilities are truly endless.
  2. Realize that people are not thinking about me as much as I worry they are. This is age-old advice, but basically it comes down to the simple fact that the world does not revolve around me. Maybe the person didn’t say hello to me because they have other things on their mind besides “being deliberately cruel to April.” I highly doubt they woke up that morning thinking about all the ways they could upset me. Putting things in perspective this can really lighten my load.
  3. Give what I want to receive. This one is admittedly the hardest for me when I am feeling socially awkward, but it is another tried-and-true adage (i.e., “love your neighbor as yourself”). If I smile and say hello to people, 99% of the time they will smile and say hello back. On the rare occasion that someone does not reciprocate, I can either choose not to mind-read or practice the very practical option of considering the range of possibilities for why they didn’t say return the greeting (almost certainly none of which will include me). Don’t let one (or even a few) awkward social interactions prevent you from continuing to reach out to people.
  4. Remember that if someone really is treating me poorly, they are at fault—I am not. When someone has actually been unkind to me, I try to remind myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of. They are the ones exhibiting poor behavior, and if anyone should feel bad, it is them. Recently, someone said something to me that was rude. Immediately, I felt embarrassed and horrified. I wanted to hide my head in the sand. After thinking it over a bit, though, I realized that I had nothing to feel bad about.  If anything, that person should be the one feeling ashamed for behaving so poorly.

Keep Trying!

Of course, I only gave a couple of examples of social situations where mind-reading might occur, but I think these tips can be applied to many different situations.

My practice with these tips is not perfect. I don’t want it to come across as incredibly easy and suggest that I never struggle with this anymore. But I’m saying that I keep trying.

Don’t let mind-reading keep you from trying new things and meeting new people. The only way to get to know someone else (and find out what they’re thinking!) is to actually talk to them, in person, in real time, in real life.

Don’t give up. Just keep trying!

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Источник: https://www.bphope.com/blog/bipolar-disorder-and-social-anxiety-does-everyone-hate-me/

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