- 8 Sexual Tension Signs — How to Tell if You Have Sexual Tension
- 1. Your conversations feel a little awkward.
- 2. There’s a lot of smiling…
- 3. …and a lot of laughing
- 4. Your friends pick up on it.
- 5. You're both sustaining eye contact.
- 6. They love how you smell.
- 7. You're in close proximity while talking.
- 8. There's something going on with all that touching
- So what should you do if you sense that they, too, are feeling sexual tension?
8 Sexual Tension Signs — How to Tell if You Have Sexual Tension
“Do they want to sleep with me, or are they just being friendly?” It’s the age-old question that many smart men have failed to answer. When wrong, and you pursue a sexual or romantic relationship, you risk losing a close friendship or put yourself in a situation where you can get brutally rejected. (There are few phrases more devastating than: “You know I you. I just you as a friend.”)
But if you don’t go for it, and they do want to have sex or a more serious relationship, you’re missing a golden opportunity.
They could have been that incredible lay (or serious partner) you’ve dreamed about since adolescence.
So how do you know if the sexual tension you feel is real or if you simply want it to be real? How do you know if they’re just a flirtatious person or they’re flirting because they really you?
To get the answer once and for all, we reached to three relationship experts: Men's Health advisory board member Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., host of the Sex and Psychology Podcast and author of Tell Me What You Want, Clinical Sexologist, Gigi Engle, ACS, author of All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life, and Billy Procida, host of The Manwhore Podcast.
They helped us develop seven telltale signs that let you know if the sexual tension is real. One or two of these signs alone isn’t enough to let you know if they’re DTF, but if they’re engaging in five or more, then you have your (affirmative!) answer.
1. Your conversations feel a little awkward.
Sexual tension is all about, well, tension… and tension can be awkward. While you may want to passionately go at it in one of the handicap stalls, you’re instead standing by the water cooler asking when they plan to finish their TPS reports.
Those reports, clearly, are not what’s really on your mind. It’s undeniably awkward speaking about something banal when your mind is off imagining what the two of you could be doing together.
Since it’s distracting, you might not be focusing on whatever they’re actually saying, which can cause you to miss a beat in the conversation or ask them to repeat themselves.
That leads to a hell of an awkward conversation.
Still, you need to make sure that they, too, are acting awkwardly because they feel the sexual tension—not because they're uncomfortable.
«In the midst of what you think is sexual tension, be sure not to get blinded by your own excitement,» Procida says. «When there's an awkward pause in the conversation, does she smile while nervously looking away, giggling as she fidgets with her hair? Do his cheeks get red? Or are her eyes trying to locate her phone so she can make a quick escape?»
«You need to ask yourself,» Procida makes clear, «are you reading sexual tension in her body language, or are you seeing what your desires want you to see?»
2. There’s a lot of smiling…
“When people feel an overwhelming attraction to each other, a lot of positive affect tends to be exchanged, and that includes frequent smiles,” Lehmiller says. He adds, “Smiling is a natural response when someone makes you feel good, and it creates this feedback loop where one person smiles and that gets the other to smile even more.»
3. …and a lot of laughing
The same goes for laughter. While there’s sometimes a bit of nervous laughter when we’re feeling sexual tension, “It’s also the case that when you’re really into another person, you tend to think all of their jokes are funnier,” Lehmiller says.
4. Your friends pick up on it.
If you're so wrapped up in your crush that you can't objectively tell if they you back, see what an outside observer has to say.
“Your friend can often see the changes in both you and your crush’s behavior and body language, even when you can’t,” Lehmiller says.
So if your friends are commenting on it or texting you about it, odds are pretty good that there’s a mutual connection there.
5. You're both sustaining eye contact.
The eyes are not just a window into a person’s soul. They’re also a direct highway to pound town. “Eye contact provides some of the strongest information during a social interaction,” James Wirth, a social psychologist who studies eye contact, previously told The Scientific American. It’s why your mother always told you to «look him directly in the eyes while shaking his hand.»
When there's a strong sexual desire, our eyes can make that abundantly clear. Sustained eye contact, and we’re taking three or more seconds, is a huge indicator.
This is even more true if you find yourself still making eye contact during a lull in the conversation.
If no words are being said, but you’re still intensely gazing at one another, they ly want to rip your clothes off right there.
6. They love how you smell.
If someone mentions that you smell really good, that’s a huge sign that they’re into you. “When we love the smell of a lover, it's actually a biological response,” Engle says.
“It’s an evolutionary response to attracting mates with a complementary gene pool, signaling you're more ly to have strong offspring.» Not to mention that we all know smells can be erotic.
So if they’re letting you know that they how you smell, it’s a not-so-subtle way of saying that they’d be down to smell more of you…naked.
7. You're in close proximity while talking.
There’s a large field of research called proxemics, which studies how human space affects communication, social interactions, and the larger population. While it differs by culture and country, in the United States, most people (without sexual tension) stand about 4-12 feet away in what’s called a social distance.
Personal distance, which is usually only for friends and family, is categorized as 2-4 feet, whereas intimate distance is 0-2 feet. If you find yourself naturally talking to them in the intimate or personal distance space, then yeah, there's probably something going on.
I mean, for the love of God, it’s called intimate distance when it's that close, so they ly want to be intimate with you.
8. There's something going on with all that touching
Sexual tension can be present with or without touching, which can make this a tad bit confusing. The thing is, we often experience sexual tension with someone because we can’t or shouldn’t be with them.
This can include a co-worker, boss, a best friend’s ex, teacher, or anyone else where there are valid reasons why it would be deemed inappropriate to have sex. Because of this, you both may want to touch but are keeping your hands to yourself.
In these situations, a lack of touching doesn’t necessarily indicate a lack of sexual tension, but rather, an extreme form of sexual tension.
On the other hand, if you’re in a situation where it is okay to touch, and find that they are taking every opportunity to touch you—and I mean platonic touching—then there's ly sexual tension.
«He'll put his hands around your back when he's talking, or maybe he guides you through a crowded bar,» Rachel Hoffman, LCSW, M.Ed., previously told INSIDER. «If he reaches for your hand… then you can almost guarantee that he's into you.»
And if they’re putting their hands on your thigh while you’re sitting down, yes, Jesus Christ, that’s some sexual tension, and you should act on it.
So what should you do if you sense that they, too, are feeling sexual tension?
First and foremost, don’t get too ahead of yourself. There’s ly a reason you haven’t acted on the sexual tension already: They are someone you shouldn’t be boning. But let’s say it’s not an employee or sister-in-law, then what?
«We take a shot,» Procida says. «But you want to make sure that taking a shot is consensual and respects the other person. This isn't a movie—it's not cool to 'take a chance' by pushing someone up against the wall, kissing them, and hoping they were down for that.»
So why not ask them out on an official date? From there, it’s a lot easier to have sex, since your intentions are clearer—less innuendo and more enthusiastic consent. The key to asking—just in case you’re wrong and they don’t want to screw—is giving them an easy way to reject you. This can actually make it less uncomfortable for both parties involved.
I typically say, “I’m not sure if I’m reading this right, but do you want to go out on a date?” Then if they say, “Oh, no…” you can be chill, and reply with, “Okay! Yeah, just needed to get that my system. Totally misread.” Will it be slightly awkward for the next few days? Yeah, obviously. But if you’re both mature adults, you’ll get over it and move to a place of friendship without sexual tension.
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