- Revenge Cheating: 5 Ways it Sabotages Both Marital and Individual Recovery
- How it Sabotages Marital Recovery
- How it Sabotages Individual Recovery
- 6 Reasons Why Revenge Cheating is Not a Good Idea
- 1. When things cool off, you might think differently
- 2. You will resent yourself for it
- 3. They can use it to justify their behavior
- 4. Hurting them won’t make your hurt any less
- 5. Reconciliation becomes less ly
- 6. Your confidence will ping pong
- 7 Ways To Get Oh-So-Sweet Revenge On Your Cheating Boyfriend
- To help you out, here are seven ways to get revenge on a cheating boyfriend that will prove you play the game even better than he does
- 1. Cut him off completely
- 2. Get your body rockin'
- 3. Become friends with the girl(s) he cheated with
- 4. Gain family support
- 5. Broadcast his infidelity everywhere
- 6. Date one of his friends
- 7. Give him the silent treatment
- Revenge isn't always the answer to your cheating boyfriend's problems, but taking some sort of action to get back at him is sure to lift your spirits a little bit
- I had a revenge fling to get back at my cheating boyfriend
- Porsha Haywood
- Kelly Davis
- Eleanor McIntosh
- How To Get Revenge On A Cheating Husband
- Leave Him: Get A Divorce
- Don’t Jeopardize Divorce Proceedings
- Move On
- Be The Best Version Of Yourself: Be Happy
Revenge Cheating: 5 Ways it Sabotages Both Marital and Individual Recovery
“Last night was well worth it!”
Imagine reading this text message on your husband’s phone. How would you react? Well, I don’t have to imagine and I can tell you exactly how I reacted…minus the cuss words of course. Being cheated on can cause you to lose your religion!
The interesting dynamic in our marriage is that we both cheated. Neither of our affairs was premeditated and, looking back, we were both naïve given the situations we allowed ourselves to get into.
This is important to note and evaluate for your own marriage. Please know I do not condone cheating and make no excuses.
Rather, it is always important to consider and understand.
I cheated during our engagement and I told him. A couple of days after my confession, I called my sister and, during our conversation, I shared the news. I will never forget her response. ”Girl, you just gave him a get jail free card!” she said. Since I didn’t quite get it, she explained that telling him was giving him permission to cheat on me, revenge or retaliation.
Often times, we merely want our spouse to feel how we feel, especially when they have hurt us to our very core. It seems only “fair” that they FULLY FEEL the extent of the pain they’ve caused.
So we think that one way to achieve this after their affair would be to have an affair of your own. Sadly, along with your emotional and physical well being, retaliation affairs can damage your marriage’s chances of recovery.
In other words, it yields results such as the following which are quite opposite of what is intended.
- You won’t get even. Your spouse’s affair broke the trust and shattered the bond instantly over what took you years to build in most cases. Your revenge affair can never have the same impact. Why? Think about it this. When you break a vase it is broken, so if you drop it again, it is still broken, right? You can not break something that is already broken.
- You are not ly to make your partner feel victimized. Actually you can cause them to feel justified in having their affair. I have seen some use such actions as an excuse to continue their extra-marital affair.
- You will not make them ‘get’ how you feel. Rather than feeling guilty for betraying and hurting you, your revenge cheating will provide your spouse with an excuse to disregard your feelings while minimizing the consequences of their own actions.
- You are not ly “to teach them a lesson.” The only thing revenge cheating will teach them is that you have stooped to their level and have a spiteful spirit.
- You could possibly encourage them to cheat again. Your affair could make cheating seem acceptable in your spouse’s mind…after all you both did it, right? So why not do it again? These thoughts are ly to generate in your spouse’s head.
How it Sabotages Marital Recovery
- Guaranteed distraction that’s preventing you from addressing the real problems in the marriage that led to the affair in the first place.
- The marriage is already weak—a retaliation affair will negatively compound things so horribly that it sabotages any chance the marriage has to bounce back.
- A lack of intimacy is often an originator to affairs.
Intimacy allows for connection and when participating in revenge cheating this will certainly cause you to disconnect even further and create an even greater emotional gap between you and your spouse.
- Bringing further betrayal to the marriage is spraying weed killer on the foundation where you two will need to rebuild the groundwork of rebuilding trust.
- Revenge cheating often escalates hostility and can lead to domestic violence.
How it Sabotages Individual Recovery
- You can not conquer what you are not willing to confront. By participating in revenge cheating, all you are doing is using anger to “protect” yourself from dealing with the emotional pain you feel. Unless you deal with your pain you won’t be able to heal, nor will your marriage.
- Creating pain for your spouse will not make you feel better.
Rather you will still feel just as betrayed, hurt, and outraged afterwards if not more because this can magnify already intensely raw emotions.
- Acting out a child to your spouse is immature, unwise, and will ly leave you feeling guilty and regretful.
- Treat people how you genuinely want to be treated.
This third party that you would be using is a real person you with their own needs and feelings. This is not a time for you to risk further emotional casualties and complications. You have enough to deal with in your marriage already. Yes?
- If you have not cheated thus far, then there is a reason.
I’m guessing you are loyal, ethical, and value your morals. So compromising them can later cause feelings of regret and shame that are harmful to your emotional well-being.
Revenge cheating is a bad idea all around.
Despite the hurt you feel from your spouse’s betrayal, if you truly want healing and a way to save your marriage, that’s just not the way to go. Take the time and seek the help needed to put your marriage back together, the right way.
6 Reasons Why Revenge Cheating is Not a Good Idea
Infidelity has an uncanny ability to inspire a desire for revenge. Studies confirm what we intuitively know – that sexual unfaithfulness falls under some of the most hurtful experiences.
Many betrayed spouses contemplate having an affair of their own to get even or make themselves feel better. Being scorned and wanting retribution is an expected response to betrayal.
Finding out about sexual and emotional infidelity can lead to broken hearts and relationships coming to an abrupt and painful end; as well as abandonment, intimate partner violence, and loss of resources when these resources are invested into affair partners, and a person might act rashly in their attempts to decrease the pain.
However, revenge on a cheater is not the way to go, and there are many significant reasons why.
1. When things cool off, you might think differently
When you feel shattered and betrayed, revenge after infidelity seems acceptable. Acting anger and hurt doesn’t make you the best decision-maker. Hence, when you get some space, and things cool down, you might want to take your actions back.
Therefore, if you consider revenge after being cheated on, at least give yourself time before you act on it. Give a deadline until which you have to remain faithful.
Hopefully, by then, you will have considered all the consequences, and cheating payback is no longer your choice.
2. You will resent yourself for it
Cheating to get even with a spouse could make you more similar to your spouse than you would want in your and other’s eyes.
They hurt you with infidelity, and now you are cheating back as revenge. How will you feel knowing you did (almost) the same thing as them? Will it give you a new outlook on what they did, and will you feel pressured to forgive them?
If you are looking to make yourself feel better, this is not the right approach.
Revenge for cheating won’t get you the peace you are looking for. It won’t decrease the hurt; rather, it will only pile on more anger and bitterness that you have to deal with.
3. They can use it to justify their behavior
One reason to avoid revenge cheating is to prevent your partner from using your actions to get off the hook. Your revenge cheating can be used as an argument to prove fidelity is difficult and that infidelity happens easily.
They might say, “now you know how easy it is to slip up” or “now that you have done it too, you must forgive me.” Revenge adultery helps the person who betrayed you to feel less guilty for their actions and ask for more understanding.
The best revenge for cheaters is to show them they chose the easy way out in search of happiness and demonstrate the will power to avoid doing the same thing.
4. Hurting them won’t make your hurt any less
Perhaps you are wondering, “Should I have an affair to show them how much it hurts?” If what you are looking for is to decrease the pain, cheating on a cheater is not the right path.
Revenge of any kind rarely holds the key to the peace you so eagerly want.
Revenge cheating will most ly, only for a short while, help you feel less pain, but it will pile on another thing to get over in the long run. Revenge cheating won’t be of any help in dealing with the feelings or making a plan for overcoming the situation.
It only seems as though getting revenge on a cheating spouse will make things even and better, but unfortunately, it won’t. The only way to deal with it is to go through it.
5. Reconciliation becomes less ly
Getting revenge on a cheater deteriorates chances of a marriage surviving the infidelities. If you think there is a way you could make it work, restrict yourself from cheating revenge. This spiral will pull you both down.
If you can’t stand them anymore, it is better to end it right away. Trying to get the relationship back on track by going this far sounds trouble. Revenge cheating won’t make you even and allow you to start over.
To give reconciliation a chance, you need to address the root cause of problems.
Furthermore, healing and forgiving infidelity are facilitated by hearing a sincere apology from the cheating spouse. Revenge cheating will only mask the root problems and hearing the other’s sincere regret.
6. Your confidence will ping pong
People considering this option might feel revenge after infidelity will bring their confidence back. Yet it will do the opposite.
When you have an affair of your own, you might feel more desired and attractive for a short period. It can help you see that there are other fish in the sea and know you have options.
For a moment, you will renew the sense of self-worth and feel a slight relief. However, other feelings will soon creep in.
At that moment, the confidence you acquired will deflate, and all the feelings you tried to avoid will come rushing back.
Also watch: The gifts of infidelity
Choose your next steps carefully
If you have been betrayed, you might be wondering, “should I cheat on my wife or should I cheat on my husband.”
Regardless of the reason you are considering it, you should know revenge cheating won’t take away the pain or make things better. There are many reasons to avoid revenge on a cheating partner.
Revenge on a cheater is supposed to hurt them, but somehow you end up being additionally hurt. Furthermore, when things cool down, you will look back on revenge cheating and see yourself differently. You might want to take your actions back, but you won’t be able to.
Finally, if your marriage still stands any chance of survival, avoid revenge cheating as it can destroy any odds of recovering from infidelity.
Revenge cheating won’t give you peace. If you want to feel better, deal with the pain, shame, and anger you feel, be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to process it before making any rash decisions.
7 Ways To Get Oh-So-Sweet Revenge On Your Cheating Boyfriend
They say revenge is a dish best served cold, and when you have a cheating boyfriend, that's really the only option. But women don't often know how to get back at him without getting hurt in the process.
To help you out, here are seven ways to get revenge on a cheating boyfriend that will prove you play the game even better than he does
These require no crying of «My boyfriend cheated on me» or self-pity. Hopefully, you won't feel hurt after doing these things.
RELATED: Betrayed? 3 Things You Should Do Instead Of Revenge Cheating
1. Cut him off completely
Men hate feeling powerless and alone, but they love to have their cake and eat it, too. That's why they cheat — because they love the thrill of having some «fun,» but at the end of the day, they want a girl to come home to.
To really knock him off his high horse, end things with him. Once you discover he's cheating, find a great way to break up with him and reduce him to a begging puppy. Don't budge when he wants you back or if he's feeling guilty.
2. Get your body rockin'
Khloé Kardashian once said the best form of revenge is a good body. She wasn't kidding. What better way to show your boyfriend (now ex, I hope) what he's missing than to look fit and ready for a new man to sweep you off your feet?
It may not be healthy inspiration to look at the girl or girls he's cheated with and strive to have a better body than them, but it will motivate you nonetheless. Next time he sees you, even over social media, make sure he'll be drooling.
3. Become friends with the girl(s) he cheated with
The whole motive behind cheating is to have a hidden affair with a secret mistress, so bringing her out into the open and becoming friends with her is sure to give him a headache.
If the «other woman» is decent enough, she will agree to at least talk to you about what was going on between her and your man. Why not meet for a meal at his favorite restaurant? I guarantee his jaw would drop.
RELATED: Your Brutal Revenge Style, Your Zodiac Sign
4. Gain family support
If you and your boyfriend were on the «meet the family» level, make sure you gain their support. Reach out to his mom or let her come to you and give her the entire sob story (even if you exaggerate some details) so she sides with you.
As a woman, her compassion will naturally be with you rather than him, so you will be set in letting him get what he deserves from her.
You can always start shipping his things back to his parent's house, and when they question why you would do such a thing, give them a laundry list of everything he did wrong in our relationship — with the cherry on top being that he cheated.
5. Broadcast his infidelity everywhere
Some may say it's immature, but if you really want to make light of the situation while also making his life a living hell, make all the flyers, posts, and emails about the cheating that you want.
Some women have gone to great lengths by ordering huge house banners and posting signs all over the neighborhood, but that's a pretty mild form of revenge if you ask me. Let everyone know what he did, so at the end of the day, he loses you and anyone else who once cared about him.
6. Date one of his friends
Men tend to get extremely territorial with women, especially when their friends even come anywhere near their girlfriends. To really piss that cheater off, start seeing one of his good friends or even just hang out with all of his buddies that you got close to during your relationship.
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his mother, they should side with you because you can easily play the tragic victim card and gain their sympathy. It wouldn't hurt to look cute while you're doing it.
7. Give him the silent treatment
While there are scores of loud, obnoxious ways for how to get back at a cheating boyfriend, sometimes it's best to just not say anything at all. If he's a narcissist, which he most ly is if he had the guts to cheat on you, then there's nothing he will hate more than being ignored.
Give him the cold shoulder for a long time, do not respond to any of his calls or texts, and do not entertain his passive-aggressive efforts to gain your attention. Let him feel neglected and guilty all by himself.
Revenge isn't always the answer to your cheating boyfriend's problems, but taking some sort of action to get back at him is sure to lift your spirits a little bit
If he's seeing more than one girl behind your back, team up with them and devise a plan of attack, or even if it's just one person, there are still plenty of options for self-redemption. Play the player, ladies.
Being cheated on sucks, so after doing all of this, focus on you. Lean on your friends and family to help you cope with what you have been through, so you can move forward.
RELATED: 100 Karma Quotes About Life, Love And Fate
Hayley Matthews is a writer and YourTango Expert Partner who covers all things dating. She oversees content strategy, social media engagement, and media opportunities for every aspect of DatingAdvice.com.
I had a revenge fling to get back at my cheating boyfriend
EVERYONE knows two wrongs don’t make a right but a survey has found nine in ten people who discover their partners have cheated hit back with a fling of their own.
Revenge is the second biggest reason for infidelity, topped only by “being in a sexless relationship”. Women are also more ly to have a revenge fling, with 57 per cent confessing to it against 43 per cent of men.
Here, JENNY FRANCIS meets three women who have revenge-cheated to see how it affected their relationships.
PORSHA was left heartbroken when she discovered her man, glass-cutter Paul Burke, 23, had been cheating on her.
Letting him back into her home, the 33-year-old dental nurse from Middleton, Greater Manchester, was still bitter about him playing away so embarked on a fling of her own.
Revenge felt sweet at first but, for Porsha, it quickly turned sour.
She says: “When I found out Paul had been cheating it destroyed me.
“We’d been together for nearly two years and I discovered he’d been cheating when friends told me he’d been using dating sites to meet women.
“I confronted him instantly, not wanting to believe what I’d heard, but he admitted it and I was distraught.
“I was pregnant with our first baby and felt so betrayed that I couldn’t face having him around — I so kicked him our house.” But during the next nine months Paul was desperate to make amends with the woman he loved.
Porsha says: “He phoned constantly, sent flowers, chocolates, anything to make me forgive him.
“I hadn’t really forgiven him but I loved him and he was the father of my child so I decided to take him back.
“Having him back was nice but I realised I was still bitter.
“I could barely hide my resentment towards him and felt I could never forgive him for what he did.”
Four months after the birth of her baby daughter — now one year old — Porsha was approached by a man while out with friends and they got chatting.
She says: “He was really nice to me and I enjoyed the attention. Normally, I would have told him I had a boyfriend and just continued my night but something inside me thought, ‘If Paul did it, why shouldn’t I?’
“By the end of the night I’d kissed another man and agreed to meet him again.
It went on for five weeks and it felt good knowing I was doing something Paul had done to me.
“I never had feelings for him, it was purely to spite Paul.”
Porsha admits that, in the end, she wanted Paul to find out.
She says: “I’d leave my mobile out when my other man was texting me, get home late and come home with new jewellery on. Eventually Paul found out by checking the texts on my phone and I admitted everything.
“I asked him how it felt to be cheated on and he broke down. I never expected that reaction from him, so I confessed I did it revenge.”
Paul told Porsha he’d done everything he could to make up for what happened, leaving Porsha feeling bad but also that they were even.
She says: “I felt guilty, especially when he packed his bags and left.
It took me a week to realise I’d made a mistake. We had a heart-to-heart and both realised how much we loved each other and how stupid we’d been.
“Now we’ve both felt how much cheating hurts it’s brought us closer together as we value our relationship more than ever.”
Paul says: “I was wrong to cheat and Porsha shouldn’t have got revenge
but we’ve both learned our lesson and things are back on track now.”
KELLY was sent reeling when her boyfriend Stephen Alexander, 28, cheated on her — after just three months together.
When he confessed to the fling and apologised, a torn Kelly, 27, was afraid she’d be seen as a walkover for being too forgiving.
“I took him back but told him I needed to take things slowly and he respected that,” says Kelly, who is from Slough, Berks.
“But then, on a girls’ night out two weeks later I got talking to some guys.
“One guy was paying me particular attention so when at the end of the night I found myself kissing him, I thought, ‘This will teach Stephen a lesson’. I wanted to hurt him he’d hurt me.”
However, when Kelly woke up the next day she began to question her actions.
“I realised two wrongs don’t make a right,” she says. “I went to see him and confessed.”
The couple then had a blazing row.
“He argued that his cheating was a mistake and mine was spiteful,” Kelly says.
“We didn’t speak for a week but when I texted him apologising again he said he missed me and we ending up talking all night.”
Eventually they decided to forgive one another and stay together.
Kelly says: “We had to make a decision to trust each other again and three years on we’re happy and have put the cheating behind us.”
Stephen says: “When she cheated it hammered home just how much I’d hurt her and gave me a massive wake-up call.
“I’ve never been tempted to cheat since.”
FURIOUS Eleanor saw red when she caught boyfriend Mark Ackers, 28, kissing another girl in a packed club in Blackburn.
The 18-year-old care worker felt humiliated, so embarked on a payback affair hoping it would teach him a lesson — but it just ended in heartbreak.
Eleanor says: “We met last November and things were going so well that I’d convinced myself he was the one.
“Just before Christmas, about six weeks after we met, I was in a club when I saw him with his lips stuck to another girl.
“His hands were all over her so I stormed over and confronted him.”
He looked shocked to see her and devastated Eleanor vowed to finish with the cheat there and then.
Over the next couple of days Mark bombarded her with apologies and told her how much he really loved her.
“When I finally got an explanation he said it was a girlfriend he hadn’t had the heart to ditch when I came on the scene, but promised it was over now,” says Eleanor.
“I agreed to give him a second chance but knowing he’d lied to me made it extremely difficult to trust him.”
Eleanor’s chance to get her own back on Mark came less than a year later while she was out with friends.
“A good-looking guy approached me and normally I’d have told him I had a boyfriend,” says Eleanor. “But I d the idea of turning the tables on Mark.
“We exchanged numbers and went on a few dates.”
A friend of hers was in on the secret and as a joke one night, Eleanor sent this pal a cropped picture of herself and the guy with whom she’d cheated.
“I sent the picture with the message, ‘This is the man I revenge-cheated with, what do you think?’” explains Eleanor.
Not concentrating, Eleanor then accidentally sent it to Mark. Suddenly my mobile was ringing and Mark was screaming at me,” says Eleanor.
“He was demanding to know who this other man was and all I could say was, ‘I’m sorry’.”
It was then that Eleanor also started to get mad.
“I was angry because I was thinking that if he could do it to me, why couldn’t
I do it to him?” she says.
However, it turned out that Mark wasn’t as forgiving as Eleanor had been and he told her it was over between them.
Eleanor says: “I couldn’t believe it. I would never have cheated under normal circumstances.
«It was just for revenge, but Mark couldn’t handle it and our relationship was then torn apart beyond repair.”
Lorry driver Mark says: “I apologised for what I did.
“She should’ve accepted that.
“I won’t be going back out with her again.
“I think Eleanor is too immature in the way she handled things.”
How To Get Revenge On A Cheating Husband
At MDR, we have been doing this midlife divorce recovery work now for almost 20 years, and we have personally heard more than a few revenge stories after a husband’s cheating.
- Painting (with enamel) the word W-H-O-R-E on one side of the girlfriend’s car, and the word S-L-U-T on the other. The husband then had to drive the car and get it cleaned up. (Over $500 damage – I think a felony)
- Throwing all of the potted plants off of the deck at the girlfriend’s house where he is staying … and then throwing the deck furniture off, too, just for good measure! And then knocking over her mailbox when you are trying to make a get-away. (A felony – federal property!)
- Writing ugly things about him (with Super-Bold permanent marker) inside the drawers of furniture he is taking. (Again, destruction of property?)
Other stories I’ve heard or seen on the internet of how to pay your husband back for cheating:
- Super-gluing his penis to his thigh (when he’s passed-out-drunk). Would this be destruction of private property? Or assault? Would you have to pay for his trip to the ER?
- Putting little pieces of fish inside the curtain rods at the house he is going to be living in. (Very hard to find!) Would this be a case of harassment or destruction of property?
Believe it or not, these stories are not from crazy, unbalanced women. They are often stories from controlled corporate types or average, friendly grandmothers.
A husband’s cheating does something to your heart that causes unfamiliar, intense and erratic emotions to come flooding over you.
Normal flesh and blood women almost all start thinking about getting back at their husband for cheating.
WARNING!DO NOT DO ANYTHING YOU WILL REGRET!
Some of the stories above, for how to get revenge on a cheating husband, can have serious legal consequences. (I may have to start a RADiCAL Defense Fund!)
But again, trust me! After spending many, many years helping women move forward after divorce, often because of infidelity, I repeat: ALWAYS DO THE RIGHT THING! It’s not worth a fine or a jail sentence or even having to go to court and admit you were so control. You also give him ammunition for making the judge think you’re always out-of-control.
Leave Him: Get A Divorce
Once you tried everything to save your marriage and convince your husband to leave his girlfriend and come back home, sometimes you have to face the fact that he doesn’t want to come home, and your marriage is over.
Anyway, after the infidelity, there is nothing worse than being in bed with your husband, wondering if he is wishing he could be in someone else’s bed. I finally decided I couldn’t have the marriage I wanted with a husband who would not be faithful.
It’s one of the most agonizing decisions we will ever have to make, but often it’s the right one. If things can’t be fixed, we sadly have to realize our marriage is over. And unless an outright miracle happens, women often file for divorce because of their spouse’s continued infidelity.
Don’t Jeopardize Divorce Proceedings
Sometimes taking revenge on your cheating husband might create a temporary good feeling for “getting even” in some small way. But remember: if you do things that can be brought up in court, it can make your case for a decent settlement less ly. Our husband may say things , “See! I have proof! She’s crazy!”
Especially if we have children, no matter what a cheater your soon-to-be-ex husband was, keep your cool, and do not do anything that might stand in the way of getting to see your children as much as possible after the divorce is over.
Also, we need to set a good example for handling tough stuff for our children. That sounds so neat and tidy.
In reality, with infidelity, your emotional mood is sometimes bizarre and crazy! Don’t do anything that makes you end up in jail while he is out on a blanket with his new honey drinking wine and reading poetry together.
Crimes of revenge on a cheating husband are totally understandable. Totally dumb and unproductive, but understandable.
If our husband cheats and isn’t willing to work to fix things, we have to stop thinking of revenge and start thinking about who we are and what we want ourselves. Revenge never works. And it takes so much precious energy that we should be spending in better ways.
As we struggle to redefine ourselves and our life now, we have to make the conscious choice and commitment to move on.
It’s easy (but devastating!) to stay in that limbo land of being sad and mad and never really taking control of our life again.
We have to give up obsessing about him getting what he deserves, and instead take steps to make sure we get to the life we deserve.
Be The Best Version Of Yourself: Be Happy
It’s absolutely true! The best revenge is for you to create an amazing new life! And that is up to you! We can’t create that life if we continue to blame him for where we are. At some point, we have to realize our life is up to us, and we absolutely can take steps every single day to get to the life we have deserved all along.
We have to do the grief work. We have to do the healing work. But then every day, we can get stronger and better and can figure out the most adventurous, fun, purposeful path forward for ourselves. Our future is our choice. It’s up to us to figure out what that new vision is and take steps to make sure that is the life we have!
We have to say to ourselves, “This situation, as bad as it feels right now, will not destroy me or define my future.” We have to figure out our own gifts and goals and dreams, and then day-by-day take steps to get to our own most fun and fulfilling life. That’s what’s best for us and for those who love us, too. That’s exactly what we can help you do with our MasterPlan.