Science Behind the Indulgent Nature of Break up Sex
Break up sex is intense, erotic and wild – the intimacy levels are unique and well, if everyday sex could be as good as makeup sex then nobody would be trying to figure out how to heal a dry spell in their relationship.
Break up sex is usually so much more intense than normal sex but the big question is why does break-up sex have such an effect?
The arousal transfer theory
This break-up sex theory poses that the highly emotional and aroused state you have reached during your break up is turned into sexual energy as a way of processing it.
The bridge experiment conducted by Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron in 1974 is a classic example of how fear can promote different responses in attraction than a ‘normal’ environment.
In this experiment, an attractive woman contacted men while they were either standing on a fear-inducing bridge or a normal safe bridge. Afterward, they completed a questionnaire in which those who were on the fear-inducing bridge demonstrated a significantly higher level of sexual arousal.
Could it be possible that when all is lost, when you know it’s time to let go and move on, the fear of losing someone you love along with the fear of your future ahead encourages one last moment of high-intensity break-up sex?
It certainly seems that could contribute to the effects of break up sex.
It’s a similar story with make-up sex too, although the release of the fear of loss might be the potent ingredient that triggers the arousal transfer response.
Interestingly, arousal theory can be induced by positive and negative emotions too which means it’s entirely possible to create this response at will, to enhance your sexual interactions if you desire!
So if you are not yet sure about what break up sex is, here’s what you need to know.
Breakup sex is the sex you have with your partner shortly before, during or after you’ve broken up and it can be incredible.
When a couple is engaging in break up sex, it is very ly that they are fully in the moment, enjoying their limited time with someone they have loved.
Indulging in every last sensation and experience that they have enjoyed and have probably taken for granted for so long. While knowing that there will never be such an opportunity again. Break up sex is do or die and it promotes a sense of being present sexually that we often take for granted in everyday life.
There is no constraint when it comes to break up sex, it is a real-time physical response and summary of everything you have ever been together, everything you have become together and everything you will be without them in the future – it’s hardly surprising that it’s so good.
Watch out though there are risks involved with breakup sex
Breakup sex is even better when the relationship was generally good, but you have both realized that it’s time to part. It induces a loving vibe and seems to be the best way to express goodbye and to project all of the love you feel for each other.
However, in other circumstances break up sex can be risky it can:
- Create confusion
- Especially if one party is not ready to let their relationship go. It can confuse emotions and make you question whether you have made the right decision. It can also make it difficult to move on.
- Draw somebody back into a violent or harmful relationship.
- Because of the confusion caused emotionally and mentally, it can draw people back into a relationship that frankly they should run from.
- It can drag out the break up and turn a relationship ugly over time. Especially if you have become confused over the needed break up and you have attempted to rekindle the relationship.
- Be used to keep somebody close that one partner doesn’t want to let go.
Ideally, the best rule of thumb when it comes to break up sex is to only indulge in it if you still care for each other and want to remain friends and if you both want to separate. This way some of the risks of break up sex are reduced.
In conclusion breakup, sex is an intoxicating and wonderful experience in the right situation, but the risk of emotional confusion can be high.
It’s important to realize that breakup sex should be mutual and only good if both parties are willing to walk away from the relationship in the first place.
It’s a high-risk situation if you attempt to use break up sex as a way to solve a problem.
That said, you don’t have to wait for a break up to experience the intense sexual wonders of it, you could really start to appreciate your lover every time you are intimate as if you won’t see them again and watch how your everyday sex and intimacy improves tenfold.
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If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
The Pros & Cons of Sex with an Ex
Most of us have done this. I did more than once back in my single days. And usually it ends badly.
However, this isn’t always the case.
While some may be rolling eyes at the mere thought of it or wondering how it cannot always end badly the truth is, there can be some advantages.
For instance, there is a familiarity there that cannot be present in a one-night stand. Sometimes, it can even make us remember why we fell for that person in the first place. Usually, whenever there is a break-up, even a so-called good one, there is a tendency to remember the negative more than the positive.
Of course, that isn’t to say that it isn’t without it’s problems.
A major one is that if the sex comes too soon following a break-up, it can result in raised (false) hopes of one or both thinking that a reunion is possible. It can also be extremely awkward the morning after.
However, the truth is things happen. As long as well as talking about consenting adults and both parties are honest with each other, there is no reason to feel ashamed about giving in.
While I am not suggesting that anyone carry around a checklist in case it should come up, this is in no way definitive, asking ourselves these questions may prevent us from a worst-decision-I-ever-made anecdote.
In the event that you are considering sleeping with an ex, here are a few things to keep in mind before saying yes.
1. What do I hope to gain from this?
This is a time to be completely honest and leave all politically correctness aside. Do we just want a physical connection or do we desire more? If it’s more, then does that involve possibly getting back together?
If any of this is unclear, then the time to speak up is now and not while or after we are lying in bed with our ex. It comes as no surprise to anyone who has ever had sex that most people aren’t at their most logical and rational right before, during or after sex.
Also, it’s important to know what our partner is expecting as well. If you we are unclear, then we need to ask. Making assumptions will only lead to problems later.
2. Has enough time passed?
While I am not a fan of generalizations, usually the period immediately after a break-up is not a good time to hook up with an ex especially if we aren’t the one who initiated the split in the first place. Often times, the wounds are still too raw and there is pain on both sides.
While there isn’t a standard for “enough time” a good indicator is if each of you can talk about the break-up without getting overwhelmed.
3. Is any shame or hesitation I may be feeling coming from a real place or is it because I am afraid of the judgement of others?
The idea that it is stupid to ever sleep with an ex is so common place that most don’t even question it. It’s even been the plot line of several movies and sitcoms.
And while there are good reasons not sleep with an ex, the truth is, each person has to decide those reasons for themselves. As long as we are talking about consenting adults and each is unattached to another person, it really is no one else’s business or concern.
All too often we listen to the “I shoulds” rather than our own intuition. This is particularly true in the case of women, even modern, liberated women who may still fall prey to the idea that “nice girls” act a certain way.
The truth is, nice people of both sexes are complex and may not act in ways that always confirm to society’s expectations. This is perfectly okay.
Frankly, no one needs to know about our personal lives unless we feel the need to share them with others and unless we specifically ask for advice or opinions, no one needs to have other comment.
In conclusion, there may come a time when we are presented with the opportunity to sleep with an ex. Depending on the circumstances, the decision to do so need not be a disaster or one that fills us with regret or feelings of personal stupidity.
While it may not result in happily-ever-after, there can actually be some perks to the experience. Despite what we may be told, it’s not impossible.
In any case, it’s important to remember that our personal lives are just that-personal and all that matters is how we feel about our choices as well as the person we chose or don’t chose to get intimate with.
There may not be many universals when it comes to sex, but shameful sex of any sort is not sexy in the least.
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Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock