Learning to Be Happy Again After Your Divorce

  1. How To Find Happiness After Divorce
  2. 1.  Get wild!  Try something a little crazy and your comfort zone
  3. 2.  Get your brain and your goals in gear!  Sign up for a class somewhere
  4. More divorce recovery boosters
  5. 3.  Be pro-active!  Neighborhood/Community problems don’t fix themselves  
  6. Do something!  Inactivity leads to brooding
  7. 4.  Live your passion!  Volunteer to further a cause you are passionate about  
  8. 5.  Get back to work!  Re-start your career.  Start a new business. Meet with a life-coach or a career-coach
  9. When you want to jump-start your life after divorce, remember that feelings follow actions
  10. Our post-divorce life is up to us!  
  11. Take one small step today  
  12. 10 Ways to How To Find Happiness After Divorce
  13. 1. Develop a Strong Support System
  14. 2. Let Go of Animosity
  15. 3. Remember Why You Got Divorced
  16. 4. Discover Yourself
  17. 5. Don’t Rush Into a New Relationship
  18. 6. Take Accountability for Your Happiness
  19. 7. Take Care of Yourself Financially
  20. 8. Take Care of Yourself Physically
  21. 9. Love Yourself
  22. 10. Give it Time
  23. Final Thoughts on Finding Happiness After Divorce
  24. The Psychology of Divorce and the Pursuit of Happiness
  25. What’s Behind The Divorce Decline?
  26. When Do Most Divorces Happen?
  27. What’s The Most Common Reason For Divorce?
  28. The Psychological Impact Of Divorce
  29. Are Certain Personalities Predisposed To Divorce?
  30. Life After Divorce
  31. The Five Stages Of Divorce
  32. The Conscious Uncoupling Route
  33. Divorce and Kids
  34. 7 Real Stories About Being Divorced and Happy
  35. Helen, 51, Los Angeles
  36. Catherine, 27, New Jersey
  37. Hannah, 27, Phoenix
  38. Taylor, 37, Montenegro
  39. Kelly, 30, Seattle
  40. Jenny, 34, Portland
  41. Eveline, 26, Austin

How To Find Happiness After Divorce

Learning to Be Happy Again After Your Divorce

But what about you?  What are you going to do now, after divorce?

The question is:  How are you beginning your new after-divorce life?  Excited? Eager? Full of tingly anticipation? Or Depressed?  Worried? Sad? Afraid?

Most ly you are trying to figure out those pesky practical problems how to pay the mortgage on your old house while your ex is building “her” a beautiful new house.

You may be saving coffee money to afford a weekend trip to a nearby destination while he’s taking the girlfriend to the Caribbean.

Or maybe, you’re simply trying to trying to keep yourself together in the midst of all of these changes in your life.

But, as real as those worries are, they don’t have to control your thinking. In fact, you must not let them control your thinking.  You need to change your focus! You get to choose what you want in your life now. And then you can take actions that help you get you what you want.

Be honest.  Has it been awhile since you’ve actually been excited about anything? When was the last time you woke up and couldn’t wait to get your day going?

During divorce, you probably describe your life as terrifying or depressing or chaotic instead of exciting in the fun, adventurous, new-start definition of the word. Again, even though these ideas I’m about to share are simple, they are powerful! And hopefully, they can actually get you fired up about your life again!

Take a step!  Make a change!  Try something new!  

Below are five power-boosters to help you get your mojo back and get pumped about your new life:    

1.  Get wild!  Try something a little crazy and your comfort zone

Below are some ideas from RADiCAL Women.  By the way, RADiCAL = Rising Above Divorce In Confidence And Love(c), so RADiCAL Women are women who are determined to fly above this divorce and to be even more confident and full of life and love than before!  Find out how to Get RADiCAL.

Roni, who is rebuilding her life after divorce, recently tried kayaking for the first time and loved it. She is joining a group to get better at it, to tone up her body and to meet some new people who are also excited about kayaking.  (They don’t see the big D we sometimes imagine on our forehead!)

Gina took up “drumming” and now is performing with a group in her area.

Pru packed up and went on a life-expanding mission trip.  “It was life-affirming in so many ways!”

Vicky (aka BABQ – Bad Ass Biker Queen) got her own motorcycle.  “It’s a great way to see this beautiful country and meet some very interesting people along the way!”

Vickie in Kansas hadn’t had a “real” job since she was first married, 20 years earlier.  She started by rocking preemie babies in the local hospital. That volunteer work led to an actual job that led to another promotion later.  She took small actions that turned into big, positive life changes!

Pam started at an entry level position in a local business. She did such a good job, they paid for her to go back to school; and now that she finished that, they are grooming her for more advances in the company.

Jen from Alaska, with no place to live after her divorce, started being a “house sitter” for families who were going town.  She put a roof over her head in something 13 different houses.

She also volunteered with female prisoners in a nearby jail.

 She loved the work so much that she went back to school and recently graduated with honors in psychology and is now helping women in prison learn skills to make a successful transition to the outside world when they get out.

Another RADiCAL Women is writing a book to help other women with diagnosed mental illness who are also faced with divorce.  Finding a way to help others is helping her!

2.  Get your brain and your goals in gear!  Sign up for a class somewhere

How many of us put our dreams and ambitions on the back-burner while we were helping our wasband get a good start on his career?  (Note: I don’t the word ex-husband, so I use wasband – you know, he was my husband, but he’s not any more!)

How many of us chose (with our wasbands’ blessing and encouragement) to stay home to take care of our kids and make sure they got a strong start in life and at school? Those contributions are fun and an important benefit to society and to your family. Now your kids are getting older and may need your physical presence less. It’s time for you to get rockin’ yourself!

It’s your turn!

Now is the time for you to think about things that make you excited!  It’s your turn to get fired up and to jump into life again!  Get started by thinking about activities you loved in high school or college.  Think about things that you’re good at. Start with something fun!

Take an acting class and throw caution to the wind when they tell you to “Be anger,”  or “Be a book.” Take guitar lessons or tap dancing or anything to get you back to the land of the living and using your talents in funky, new ways. Explore a “Laugh” class.  (Yes, they have them!) Laughter is very therapeutic, by the way!

More divorce recovery boosters

  • Check out the Community Colleges in your area.
  • Research nearby continuing education programs.
  • Find out about the upcoming classes offered at your public library.
  • Go take a class to upgrade your computer skills.
  • Sign up for a MeetUp group.  They have them for absolutely everything you can imagine!
  • Check out our group and find or start a group in your area.

3.  Be pro-active!  Neighborhood/Community problems don’t fix themselves  

See something that needs to change in your area?  Get the ball rolling to fix it. Or join a group already in progress that is making a difference.

Roll up your sleeves and get to work on a Habitat for Humanity house.  Get to know the neighbor down the street who has no family in the area and lend a hand.  Take the new co-worker to lunch. Write a letter to the editor. Offer your talents and time in your own neighborhood homes association or your local Chamber of Commerce.  

Make your voice heard.  Use some of that emotional energy from your separation and divorce to sort and pack food at the community food bank.  Find productive ways to get rid of toxic thoughts and feelings. The list of ways to be a positive contributor are endless, and we feel good when we’re done!

Do something!  Inactivity leads to brooding

Don’t sit on your couch feeling sorry for yourself!  Inaction is the breeding ground for depression! Here’s how Dan Greenburg describes it in his book, How to Make Yourself Miserable:  The chapter is “Misery About the Past, the Present and the Future.”

“Optimum Brooding Conditions:

If you are serious about making yourself miserable, you will meet no greater foe than constructive activity, no greater friend than absolute inactivity.  Inactivity is the fertile ground in which flourish the seeds of despair and self-pity.”

This hilarious book is a manual of all the ways we make ourselves miserable.  A must-read to see how we create “self-torture, humiliation and anxiety” by doing stupid stuff that keeps us stuck in whatever pain and hurt we are experiencing.

4.  Live your passion!  Volunteer to further a cause you are passionate about  

With funding being cut for many local programs, volunteers are more important than ever.  Take time to figure out who you are and what your post-divorce passions are. (Ignore those “making him suffer” passions you may be obsessed with!)  Churches, parishes, synagogues and other religious groups almost always have opportunities to get involved. So do community organizations.

Go to a local school and be a “Volunteer Reader” in the library.  Be a mentor for women starting out in business. Use your skills to help someone else.  Let your political passion drive you to pass out fliers or have a coffee for a local politician or voting issue.  

Forget about your divorce! Do something fun — something worthwhile — something that excites you.  You can’t change what’s already happened in your life. But you do have control of what comes next. Find ways to volunteer in your area.

5.  Get back to work!  Re-start your career.  Start a new business. Meet with a life-coach or a career-coach

Work energizes us!  We’re made to contribute.  Figure out if you want to try to get back into the field of work you started with, or if you have discovered a passion for something else.  Most community colleges offer testing that highlights your talents and helps you decide what your best career path forward might be.

One good Christian resource for finding your gifts is a book called Grace Gifts: Discovering the Unique Joy God Has For You  by Dan Knight.

Most communities also have a Women’s Business Center that offers help to find a job or restart your own career.  Get involved in a networking group in your area.

If you are trying to get into the formal workforce for the first time or after a long break, contact one of your area’s career-help resources.  Often, they have assistance for entry-level and advanced computer classes, job application help and interview training.

Many even have resources for helping provide a suit or appropriate clothing to wear to the interview.

When you want to jump-start your life after divorce, remember that feelings follow actions

There are literally hundreds of ways to get your brain, your body and your life re-started when you’ve been sideswiped by divorce.  Don’t sit back and snivel away while everyone around you seems to be getting started on some new challenge. Create your own semi-wild adventure! Stretch yourself!  It’s good for all of us!

Even if you don’t feel you have the energy, take an action anyway.  Take that first small step and then the next. Don’t worry about fixing everything all at once.  Just do something that keeps you moving in the right direction on the getting-your-life-back path after divorce.

Positive emotions follow positive actions.  Too many of us want to wait ‘til we’re feeling stronger to do anything.  That’s not how it works. We immediately start feeling stronger after taking that first step!

Our post-divorce life is up to us!  

Positive thinking creates positive actions.  Get the continual best-seller Think And Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill and even if you’ve read it before, read it again.  Read You, Inc.

, The Art of Selling Yourself, another best-seller about validating yourself, promoting yourself and realizing that you have great things to contribute to your world.

 (This is also a great book for a kid going off to college or even starting high school!)

Pick something to start with from any of the ideas above.  Taking action in any of those ways will also help you create a new network of friends who will begin to expand your horizons in positive and fun directions.  

Take one small step today  

Go online and check out some of the resources I’ve suggested.  Do something and the endorphins in your brain will start dancing!  The music is already started, and your best life is waiting!

Get started right now with our Free Divorce Recovery Crash Course to get encouraging recovery messages sent free to your inbox.

Источник: https://www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com/happiness-after-divorce/

10 Ways to How To Find Happiness After Divorce

Learning to Be Happy Again After Your Divorce

Divorce is one of the most challenging things you can go through in life. When you get married, you typically don’t expect that the relationship will end. But if it does, your entire life changes.

A failed marriage is often perceived as a personal failure. The emotions you need to work through are powerful. After a divorce, there will be days when you feel excited and optimistic about your new life, and other days, when you feel discouraged, lonely, or sad.

Many people get divorced because they are unhappy in their marriage only to find out they are still sad after it is over. Divorce recovery takes time, but there are ways to find happiness after divorce.

1. Develop a Strong Support System

Your support system is essential when you are going through a divorce. Identify the people you can rely on in your post-divorce life. It is a good idea to have someone you can talk to when you start to feel down. When choosing your support system, make sure you pick non-judgmental people.

If you need help beyond your friends and family, hire a therapist or a divorce coach. Trained divorce professionals have experience working with people in your situation. They have tools to help you work through your emotions without judging you.

You can also attend a divorce support group. If you do not feel comfortable attending an in-person support group, there are social media support groups you can join.

Or, you can speak to your pastor, priest, or other religious leader. Regardless of who you turn to during this difficult time, it is important to find someone who can help you through your divorce recovery.

Working with a professional is even more important if you suffered abuse during a bad marriage. You should also let your divorce lawyer know if you suffered domestic abuse in your marriage, as they may be able to connect you with resources in your area.

2. Let Go of Animosity

Holding on to hatred causes a lot of pain. It is ly better for your mental health if you can let go of any emotional trauma from your past relationship. If you share children with your ex-husband or wife, this is especially true.

Working together for the sake of your children will be challenging, but it will be even worse if you hold on to the pain you endured. By letting go of the negativity, you can become a better father or mother.

Of course, this is easier said than done especially depending on the severity of the trauma you endured. This is another area where a strong support structure and mental health professional can be helpful.

3. Remember Why You Got Divorced

While it is important not to dwell on the past, it is essential to remember why you got divorced in the first place. Often, when you are no longer in a bad marriage, the negative experiences fade away. This may leave you feeling lonely or even cause you to miss your ex-spouse.

It is natural to miss someone you shared a big part of your life with. However, there are reasons you got divorced, especially if you left a narcissist. So, when you start to have regrets or miss your old life, it can help to remind yourself why you chose to move on and lean on your support structure.

4. Discover Yourself

Getting over your divorce is a process that involves self-discovery. As a married person, you shared a lot with your spouse.

Now, it is essential to find constructive things that help you discover your own happiness.

Make a list of all the new experiences you would to enjoy. Then, start doing them.

Make it a point to get outside of your comfort zone and do things you’ve never done before. Doing things for the first time will help build your confidence and allow you to get to know yourself better.

Here are some examples of things you might want to add to your list:

  • Travel
  • Take a new class
  • Try a new hairstyle
  • Go out with friends
  • Try a new exercise class
  • Try a new restaurant
  • Go to a show

5. Don’t Rush Into a New Relationship

Rushing into a new relationship too soon after your divorce can lead to more heartache. If things do not work out in your new relationship, it adds insult to injury.

It does not mean you have to give up on love. Just take some time to figure out what you want in your post-divorce life. There is nothing wrong with being single.

If the right person comes along, they will understand you taking some time before jumping into anything. Take things slowly, especially if it’s your first time dating again after an unhappy marriage.

This can help you avoid a future divorce.

Keep in mind that negative people prey on the vulnerable, so if someone is overly pushy about entering into a new relationship, that might be a warning sign.

6. Take Accountability for Your Happiness

At any moment, no matter what you are going through in life, you have the choice to be happy. You can look at the glass half full or half empty.

Here are some ways to take accountability for your own happiness:

  • Develop a positive personal dialogue
  • Stay optimistic about the future
  • Live in the moment
  • Practice mindfulness exercises
  • Practice meditation
  • Make plans for the future
  • Deepen your faith
  • Take care of your physical health
  • Set long-term and short-term goals you can meet
  • Find reasons to celebrate

7. Take Care of Yourself Financially

One of the most challenging aspects of divorce is the financial strain it can cause, especially with the division of assets and debts. While money does not buy happiness, a lack of financial resources can cause stress and even depression.

And depression can cause your financial health to become worse. Many people suffering from depression overspend and put off paying bills.

So, it is important to be mindful of your financial situation as you start your new life. Otherwise, you might get stuck in a negative cycle. Many people seek the assistance of a financial advisor after divorce if they did not have one previously.

It is also a good idea to consult with your divorce lawyer to learn how you can protect your assets during and after your divorce.

8. Take Care of Yourself Physically

When you are conscious of your health and appearance, you feel better about yourself.

Create a look that represents you in your post-divorce life.

This will help others see you the way you want to be seen. It will also help you to approach this new chapter of your life with your head held high.

It is also beneficial to eat a healthy diet and get enough sleep. When you lack sleep it is more challenging to process stress. If you have trouble sleeping, try working out during the day and meditating at night. Both of these activities will help you let go of the things that trouble you.

9. Love Yourself

Loving yourself is one of the best things you can do to get over your divorce. It will help you improve your mood and maintain your confidence. If you spent a lot of time in an unhappy marriage, you might not know how to show yourself love.

Here are some ways you can love yourself:

  • Take alone time to do the things you enjoy
  • Go on a trip by yourself
  • Celebrate your accomplishments
  • Create a vision board
  • Enjoy a spa day
  • Write in a journal
  • List all of the things you love about yourself and focus on them
  • Learn to say no

10. Give it Time

You have to expect that it will take some time to adjust to life after your divorce. Do not expect things to be outstanding immediately.

If you do not plan for the adjustment period, it can catch you off guard and make things more difficult. Just remember that it takes time to start your new life and find your own happiness.

Final Thoughts on Finding Happiness After Divorce

Going through a divorce is not easy. However, as divorce attorneys, we know first hand that there is life after divorce. By giving yourself some time to heal and taking care of yourself, you can live a better life.

While things will be different, your divorce is an opportunity to live more peacefully and focus on finding happiness.
So, stay optimistic, look towards the future, and consider post-divorce life a new journey.

It will be filled with new experiences and opportunities to create a life you love, free from heartache and emotional trauma.

Your new life is a clean slate. You can become the person you have always wanted to be, and that is an excellent reason to be happy.

Источник: https://btlfamilylaw.com/happiness-after-divorce/

The Psychology of Divorce and the Pursuit of Happiness

Learning to Be Happy Again After Your Divorce

Let’s start with the numbers and get that the way. Divorce is common, really common—in fact, according to the CDC, 2.9 every 1,000 people get divorced (as of 2017). In case that number seems lower than you thought, here’s some perspective, compare it to 6.9 per 1,000 people who get married.

A little silver lining is that while it’s clear that divorce rates increased from 1990 through 2008, particularly for women over the age of 35; the rate is now declining. In other words, young married couples are more ly to stay married than their Baby Boomer counterparts.

What’s Behind The Divorce Decline?

Dr. Helen Fisher, PhD, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of six books about love and divorce including the renowned Anatomy of Love, has a theory about why.

“We’re marrying much later,” she explains. “Today, the average age for women to get married is 27 (about to be 28), and for men, it’s 29 (about to be 30). And all of my data…indicates that the later you marry, the less ly you are to divorce. I call it ‘slow love,’ because [millennials] have almost 10 years of practicing sex and love before they wed.”

When Do Most Divorces Happen?

But for those who do wind up divorced, there seems to be a magic number for when. According to Dr. Fisher, no matter where in the world you’re from or in what culture you’ve been raised, you’re most ly to get a divorce…drum roll…four years into your marriage.

Even more fascinating, she continues, is why. Our human brains have evolved to hone a drive for love and partnership that lasts just long enough to raise a single child through infancy.

Partnering allowed women to raise children and their male partners to provide for and protect them while the child was young.

After that? We are, as mammals, driven to procreate with more than one partner in order to have the strongest genetic legacy.

“If you’re having children with two or three men rather than just one, you’re creating more genetic variety in your babies,” explains Fisher.

In other words, for millions of years, some primitive form of divorce was probably an adaptive mechanism to create more genetic variety.

On a much smaller scale, in modern-day American culture, one divorce attorney says that she’s found the average age for divorce to be more five-to-eight years into the marriage.

Bettina Hindin, a matrimonial lawyer at Offit Kurman practicing for nearly 34 years, hypothesizes this is primarily because of unmet expectations. “In New York, we consider a long-term marriage to be 11 years long.

Most marriages break up between the first and second years or the fifth and eighth years.” Her analysis goes something this: “In the first and second year, you bought into this marriage, bought into this dream, and it’s not what you wanted.

That’s when the warning signs first go off,” Hindin explains. “During the fifth and eighth years, there’s the most change. You may have children, different jobs, maybe you’re not happy in your career. This is when life really hits you.”

What’s The Most Common Reason For Divorce?

No matter when it happens, she says, more often than not, it’s about disappointment. “People come into the marriage with unrealistic expectations of how it’s going to be, how they’re going to live, and when it comes down to everyday issues, money, children, jobs, it doesn’t happen the way you plan it.”

There are a few triggers that tend to start the ball rolling in Hindin’s experience, and almost all of them are rooted in money.

But while finances are underlying in nearly every divorce situation, she explains, there are oftentimes other reasons for separations that play a role, too.

“The major issues that I find [that predicate a divorce] are infidelity, drug/alcohol abuse or physical abuse, situations where people just can’t communicate anymore, or one party has control issues.”

A 2013 study supports Hindin’s experience, concluding that the most common reasons for divorce are:

  • lack of commitment to the partnership
  • infidelity
  • conflict or excessive arguing
  • domestic violence and substance abuse

And, of course, Fisher says, there are situations when people quite simply fall love. “Romantic love is a very specific brain system, just the fear system or the anger system or the startle system or the surprise system,” she explains. “It can become activated quite rapidly, and it can become less activated or deactivated almost instantly or gradually.”

But to understand that phenomenon, let’s back up to how people fall in love. “Romantic love is basically a drive. It is generated in a little factory near the very base of the brain called the ventral tegmental area, and that’s where dopamine is made,” Fisher explains.

“Dopamine is sent to many brain regions when you’re madly in love, and that gives you the focus, motivation, optimism, and craving that’s so central to feeling romantic love.

” When you look at it through this brain system lens, the logic follows that the same way you can stop being scared of something, you can stop being in love. It’s almost a switch.

But it’s also important to note, Fisher continues, “that falling love doesn’t mean a marriage will end. It’s one of three brain systems that are associated with partnering. One is the sex drive, second is these feelings of intense romantic love, and the third is feelings of deep attachment to a partner.”

According to Fisher, it’s definitely possible to stay in love for a long time. But, people don’t actually expect to and you don’t have to in the same way. “They’re deeply attached, they still the person’s sense of humor, they still to make love to them, and there’s a comfortable relationship they’d to keep,” explains Fisher.

The Psychological Impact Of Divorce

When a marriage does fall apart, there are real psychological issues that present themselves, explains Remy Dowd, LCSW and certified family and couples’ therapist in private practice. “When individuals plan to have a certain future and life with another person, it’s incredibly challenging when that trajectory suddenly shifts, and they have to adapt to a new way of living,” says Dowd.

Just the logistics alone are stressful; dividing assets, potentially moving, figuring out custody. Almost everyone who has been through this will also tell you feelings of embarrassment, guilt, or regret often surface.

People also think about their own situations instead of giving support, you’ve been infected with the divorce virus, and they better not get too close, or they might catch it too. All of this ultimately feeds isolation.

The process can be particularly traumatic for those who have had attachment or depression issues in the past, says Dowd.

“The significance and the process of separating from a loved one can trigger past traumas, issues around attachment, and deregulate emotions.

” People with a history of addiction or maladaptive coping mechanisms are particularly at risk because of the intensity of emotions that may rise.

Are Certain Personalities Predisposed To Divorce?

Fisher highlights certain personality types and traits may actually predispose someone to get divorced in the first place. According to her theory, there are four brain systems that are linked with personality traits: the dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen systems.

People who are very expressive of the dopamine system of the brain are [generally] risk-taking, novelty-seeking, curious, creative, spontaneous, energetic, and mentally flexible. “I would predict that this kind of person would be more ly to be restless in a long relationship,” Fisher explains.

“[On the other hand] people who are very high on the serotonin system, they’re conventional; they’re traditional; they’re social norm-conforming. They follow the rules; they respect authority. They schedules, rules, plans. They’re concrete rather than theoretical thinkers. They tend to be religious. And it would be my guess that these people would be less inclined to divorce.”

Life After Divorce

“There’s no set time frame or playbook for what this process looks –everyone’s journey is different, and people need to remember to take care of themselves before they can move forward,” advises Dowd.

“There’s a sadness to losing a loved one.

It is important for both people to process their emotions and experiences not only to help make sense of the traumatic life event they just faced but also to set themselves up for a more hopeful future.”

There are also lots of practical barriers to cross when getting a divorce, Hindin says, and those barriers can slow down the healing process.

“It takes years to move from the depths of a divorce because they don’t happen overnight. When you want a divorce, it’s a process in the court. It could take years.

And when the marriage and the divorce are finally done, it takes time for people to rebound. Happiness does not come for a while after the divorce.”

Unfortunately, whether you instigate the divorce or are blindsided with papers, these challenges can affect you and make it a grueling process, says Dowd.

“Those who didn’t initiate divorce often spend more time in denial, needing to take time accepting the reality of the situation as the other partner had more time to prepare for the news. Nevertheless, the process will be difficult for both partners.

Either person may feel angry, guilty, hurt, doubt, feel as though promises weren’t kept or the other didn’t try hard enough.

The Five Stages Of Divorce

The stages of divorce are similar to the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Here is how Dowd describes them:

  1. Denial: Denial is not accepting divorce as your reality. It’s used as a defense mechanism, so people don’t feel too emotionally overwhelmed.
  2. Anger: Emotions run high in the next stage after suppressing them when in denial; people channel these emotions into hatred and blame during the anger stage.
  3. Bargaining: Couples going through divorce often look back at their marriage and replay moments they think could have impacted the outcome. This leads to bargaining—one partner trying to work things out and promising to make changes or doubting/questioning if he or she made the right decision. Bargaining is an attempt to pump the breaks and get your old life back.
  4. Depression: Depression is when the reality of the situation sets in, and it’s the toughest and often longest stage.
  5. Acceptance: Lastly, acceptance is when you make peace with the situation and can find hope for the future. People may start to feel their old selves again or have a renewed sense of freedom and relief. Acceptance doesn’t mean all negative emotions are gone, but people will see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s important to remember that grief comes in waves and is not a linear journey.”

The Conscious Uncoupling Route

There are, of course, couples who try to circumvent these stages by going into it with a positive mindset—think Gwyneth Paltrow’s famous “conscious uncoupling.” This approach can be effective, says Dowd. “If done the way it’s intended, it strives to keep everyone’s well-being in mind, including both parents and children.

The main pillars of conscious uncoupling are mutual respect and self-awareness. The idea is to take the drama and antagonism the divorce process and to untangle their lives while keeping the peace.

Divorce and Kids

No matter how you go about it, divorce impacts children psychologically, physically, academically, and behaviorally, says Dowd. “Children will demonstrate the effect of divorce in various ways, and it’s crucial that they feel as though they have space to express their own emotions and concerns.”

For everyone involved, a support system is a key to survival, and so are boundaries.

“You can set the tone for how others can be supportive; you choose how much and what you want to share with others,” advises Dowd. “Listen to your gut, as it can also get confusing if you have too many opinions from others. Your loved ones will not judge you; they just want to show up for you and help you get through this trying time in your life as you would for them.”

Источник: https://www.psycom.net/divorce

7 Real Stories About Being Divorced and Happy

Learning to Be Happy Again After Your Divorce

It is possible to be divorced and happy, even if it doesn’t seem it at first. Sometimes you have to overcome many obstacles to find happiness, including an unsuccessful marriage that pulls you to the bottom and clips your wings.

Here are 8 inspiring stories of women who managed to change not only themselves but also their destiny.

Helen, 51, Los Angeles

I lived with my husband for 17 years. The divorce was caused by the simple fact that there was no love left. We got married simply sympathy, but we did not succeed. The divorce was very difficult. It took away my sons (they were 11 and 16 years old) and property. At 37, I was left alone with a suitcase in hand.

I decided to go to Los Angeles to start everything from scratch. Honestly, I took the initiative because I knew that the situation could not be possibly worse. I quickly found a job there at a large British publishing company. Then I changed cities several times, I was moving for work.

All this time I was improving myself because the problem was in me, not in my ex-husband.

In the end, I met my fate – my person! He is ten years younger than me, but we seem to be made for each other. Everything was in a fairy tale. He gave me a ring on the famous Greek island of love, Santorini, and we got married a year ago in Paris. While my husband is engaged in his business, I managed to open an advertising agency with a friend. 

Catherine, 27, New Jersey

My relationship began perfectly: a stormy office romance, secret meetings. Six months later, we applied to the registry office to get married. Then he quit his job and was in no hurry to look for a new one. I took a job as a packer. The conditions were tough, but the pay was good.

I decided I had to hold on while my ex-husband was in search. I also supported him financially, despite the fact that he began an active nightlife. Coming home from work, I watched a sleeping body on the couch. There was enough money for food only. I completely limited myself to shopping and going out.

My parents helped us buy an apartment, and I thought that now the two of us would make a dream renovation. It was not so! We moved to a new apartment, and that was all. Then I went to extreme measures and also quit my job. My ex-husband did not change his mind, began to go to bars at night, and come home in the morning.

I also had to do all the housework. He seemed to be waiting for our divorce.

It was hard at first. I didn’t find a job right away, but I overcame all the difficulties. Then I found my two dream jobs: I became a teacher and an art restoration specialist. I changed my wardrobe and hairstyle. My social circle has gradually expanded.

I developed the design of the apartment myself. Soon I will have the most comfortable nest. The plans include postgraduate studies and a lot of traveling, including overseas.

What about the ex? He works as a cook in a bar and gladly accepts expensive gifts from his new girlfriend.

Hannah, 27, Phoenix

We met through mutual friends. Before that I had never been in a relationship. Everything worked out right away. He was my first love. He wanted a child and I agreed to become a mother. I got pregnant and then we got married. From the moment we became parents, feelings began to slowly fade away. I didn’t want to come home from work and I hated weekends because they were with him.

One simple thing helped me break the vicious cycle: I imagined what would happen to my daughter’s mental health in a year, two, ten while seeing her parents arguing non-stop. I became very scared for her.

Today, I realize that I don’t need to get attached to anyone anymore. I spend time with men, but I am not attached to anyone. I can leave the dishes in the sink once again and sleep in a little longer. In general, I live a bright, full life.

It’s easy for me! My boss definitely feels my confidence: now I work as the only deputy director of the college, performing more functions and responsible for more tasks.

I also took up dancing and intellectual team quizzes with colleagues and friends.

Taylor, 37, Montenegro

After 10 years of marriage, I found out that my husband cheated on me. I don’t know if it was a one-time thing or there were more cases. Of course, it was scary to get divorced because you never know what will happen. I was very depressed and moved to a new apartment. Then I gathered all my strength for my daughter, arranged a “reset” for us, and changed our lives completely.

The first thing I did was move with my child from Chicago to Montenegro. I put my work online, started to improve my self-esteem along the way, and I forgot about my marriage. I bought a few dresses and came up with a project that I took on upon arrival – online help for those who are going through a divorce.

I was not only busy with my project, I was also fighting my fears: I climbed mountains, I held a charity concert. Now I live in Montenegro, work in the field of tourism and real estate, and met a wonderful person. I still have friendly relationships with my ex-husband.

My daughter studies at a local school. She feels great here. At first, of course, it was difficult for us because of the language barrier – at the first parent meeting of my daughter, I did not understand a word! But everything worked out. The teachers helped us tremendously.

Now I do not regret anything. Life has just begun.

Kelly, 30, Seattle

I divorced my husband when my daughter was two years old. He decided he was not ready for a baby. It was a very difficult period. I was depressed for a long time. I tried to establish my life from the scratch. At some point, I realized that I can’t live that.

I reconsidered my true passions and realized that I have long wanted to do fitness. I signed up for the gym. I have been going for a year and I am very happy about it. Then I got a job in a large French company. I work in the HR department and love it. I know that I have many opportunities in this industry and I believe that everything should work out.

I took an active part in learning French, got a driver’s license, went in for sports, and had a great time traveling, I will soon go on vacation to Cyprus. At first, it seemed to me that I urgently needed to look for another man, but over time I realized that it was not about the man.

I believe that love will definitely come, but the main thing is not to dwell on it! I am finally divorced and happy.

Jenny, 34, Portland

I had been married for 13 years, and many of them were happy. From childhood, I was instilled with the idea that a man should be one and for life.

Therefore, having met my future husband, falling head over heels in love with him, I imagined how we would grow old together and would sit near the fireplace and drink warm milk from the same mug. Now I can say for sure that from the very first days of life together, there was something wrong.

The difference in views on what the house, everyday life, and work should be. Our daughter was growing up, my career and development went uphill (I took a managerial position quite early), while he was working in the production of outdoor advertising, became a manager and was very happy with this.

I wanted more, goals and desires grew, and opportunities did too! I often offered him my assistance so he could grow professionally, but he always replied “If that is what you want, just do it yourself.” The gulf between us grew. Once, I came from the theater, drank tea, went up to my husband, and said that I wanted to get a divorce.

I worried strongly, of course, but as time went on, this feeling gradually went away. Today I am divorced and happy, I live with my daughter, I manage a large department in the bank, and I go out with a wonderful man. For this, I have come a long way, but it was definitely worth it!

Eveline, 26, Austin

My ex-husband and I had been married for four years. The last year and a half we lived separately, in different cities, occasionally getting together. Everyone did their own thing, I was a young make-up artist, he was busy with his cafe. Different interests and a large distance between us had affected our relationship. We moved on.

Two years after the divorce, we had a sincere conversation. It turned out that each of us had a different idea of ​​the reason we broke up. He thought that I needed a lot of money, but I just didn’t get enough attention. Now he has a wife and a child.

I began to put my soul into my work, and in just a couple of months the room of 12 square meters which I rented turned into a light studio of 100 square meters in the very center of the city.

I manage a wonderful team of stylists and makeup artists, I am going to expand my business even more, I am constantly improving myself and teaching others, and I’m officially alone. I’m not going to get into a relationship yet.

I’m not complaining about the lack of gentlemen either – they pay 100% attention to a happy girl. 

It is possible to be divorced and happy. You just have to have faith that you will get through it and that there is life on the other side. These successful divorce stories can give you some inspiration on your own path to healing.

Donald Mena is a freelance writer, relationship expert, and contributor to dissertation writing services. He writes about Education, relationships, and self-improvement and went through a tough divorce himself seven months ago. www.writingapaper.net/dissertation-writing-service

Источник: https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/7-real-stories-about-being-divorced-and-happy

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