Is Pornography Destroying Your Marriage?

Porn in Marriage: Its Harmful Effects on Relationships (and How to Heal)

Is Pornography Destroying Your Marriage?

If you’re reading this, your marriage has probably been impacted in some way by porn use or you know a marriage that has.

And even though there are many voices telling us that pornography and marriage can mix—that it’s normal and even beneficial—you don’t have to dig deep to see the havoc pornography wreaks on marriages.

Porn claims to be an expert in intimacy. In reality, it drives you further and further from the true intimacy we crave.

So if you’re married, want to be married, or know somebody who is married (i.e., this is helpful for us all), the following will give you a look into the impact of porn in marriage. Understanding this can help us start reclaiming health and intimacy in our relationships or help others get started on this journey.

Porn in Marriage: Stats and Stories

If porn use has made it’s way into your marriage, you’re not alone. In a 2004 report to Congress, Dr.

Jill Manning shared that in her research over 56% of divorce cases involved one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.

¹ There has been some debate over how accurate this statistic is–but even if it were a factor in only 25% of divorces–with 782,038 divorces in 2018,² that’s 195,509 marriages that ended at least in part because of porn.

Whether or not porn use leads to divorce, there’s a high chance it leads to betrayal trauma for the spouse. Research shows us that 69.9% of partners met all symptomatic criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder using two assessments–the IES-R and the PDS.³

Every day we hear from individuals whose lives and marriages have been devastated by pornography use. Here are just a few of their comments and stories:

“I thought his problem was because of me. Maybe if I was skinnier or taller or blonder or more endowed he wouldn’t need to do this anymore. I honestly believed that I was the damaged one. I spent those 10 years trying to change for him, trying again to meet his needs in every way.” –April 

“I recently discovered my husband has been viewing pornography behind my back. I found out he has been doing this for most of our marriage. I can’t sleep, I can hardly eat, and I can’t think about anything else. I think I am going crazy.”

“Being in our mid-sixties, and with my husband having indulged in porn, dating sites, etc.

, for a couple of decades, resulting in PIED, I don’t have a lot of hope that we will ever be able to have a satisfying sex life we had prior to internet porn invading our lives.

It’s been over 2 years since d-day and he is 11 months porn and inappropriate fantasy free, and he now says that he hates sex, and wants to puke when he thinks of it, because of the damage that it has done.”

“My ex-husband told me that sometimes he wanted to have sex with me and sometimes he wanted to skip sex with me and look at porn. He wanted both and he said that men have to have both because they want variety. He ended up leaving me because I was not happy about the porn.

He actually left a marriage with a wife who told him she was willing to have sex as much as he wanted if he didn’t look at porn and he left. He said that porn was that important to him.” –Kim“My husband thinks that I am wrong for asking him to stop watching porn. It simply makes me feel insecure. I feel he looks at women as pornographic images. He imagines them naked.

 He loves looking at petite teen porn. I am 36 years old, tall, and chunky. How can I compete?” –Jaime

4 Common Myths About Porn and Marriage

If the stats and stories above are any type of true indication of how many marriages are impacted by porn and how deep those effects run, then where do we get this idea that porn and marriage can mix without any problems?

Popular media strongly affirms (if not downright encourages) porn’s acceptability, even for those in relationships or marriages. And for those using porn, there’s a natural desire to justify behavior and overlook the negative impacts it’s having. Here are a few common lies told about porn and marriage:

Lie #1: “Porn will spice up our sex life.”

In reality, porn makes you think that what you see on the screen can and should happen in the bedroom too. This is an unrealistic expectation to fulfill, and trying to make it happen may lead you down harmful paths you never thought you’d go. As Noah Filipiak says on our blog,

“The sex in porn (and lust) is of a totally different substance than the sex God designed within marriage. Porn is a smorgasbord of unlimited, perfectly-shaped bodies who have no problems and who ‘want’ you.

Your spouse is not going to be a smorgasbord; they are one person.  They will not have a perfect body, even if they have one when you get married. They will have problems. They will not ‘want you’ every second of the day.

In other words: they are a human being.”

Related: Should porn be used to spice up the bedroom?

Lie #2: “A little bit of porn never hurt anyone.”

Some say porn use only hurts a spouse if the spouse allows insecurity to seep in. But, please read the real-life stories and comments above, and you will see that porn is hurting spouses and significant others.

For those with kids, do you want them stumbling upon your porn stash? Also, consider porn’s relationship with sex trafficking and how it affects those working in the porn industry.

Lie #3: “Once I get married, I’ll stop looking at porn.”

The primary issue at stake here is viewing marriage as a transaction that is focused on “taking” instead of “giving.

” If a man or a woman enters marriage with the primary objective of “taking” something from his/her future spouse in order to satisfy something that’s broken today, then the marriage is destined to fail.

The internal dialogue goes this: “I have sexual needs and use porn to fill those needs. Once we get married, my husband or wife will give me enough sex [do you hear the “take” language?] so I won’t need porn anymore.”

Related: Mythbusters–I’ll Stop Looking at Porn When I Get Married

Lie #4: “My spouse struggles with porn because of me.”

This plays out in many different ways: I’m not sexy enough. Not available enough. Not adventurous enough. Too fat. Too skinny. Too [insert reason of your choice].

All of these are lies. The truth is your spouse’s struggle with porn use probably started as a kid. And the science behind porn use shows that it’s very addictive and has little to do with all the “not enough’s” or “too much’s” above.

Related: 5 Lies I Believed When My Husband Watched Porn

Effects of Porn in Marriage and Relationships

Porn use may impact relationships differently, depending on the extent of porn use and whether one or both individuals use it. Here are a few common effects of porn in relationships:

  1. Decreased satisfaction with sex: Porn eventually trains your brain to prefer more porn over sex with a real person. In attempt to make sex more appealing than porn, one spouse may try to bring porn-specific behaviors into the bedroom, which can have devastating effects on the other spouse.
  2. Porn-Induced ED: Many guys who regularly watch porn develop porn-induced erectile dysfunction, which means they can get an erection to porn, but not their spouse or significant other.
  3. Jealousy and comparison: Porn contains false expectations about sex. This can cause your spouse to feel jealous or not good enough. They may feel they cannot meet the expectations of sex that occurs in porn.
  4. Escalation to real world, extramarital sexual encounters: Eventually porn doesn’t give you the high it once did, which has lead many porn users to turn outside of their committed relationships to act out their fantasies or try to find the variety porn offers.
  5. Financial strain: Lamar Odom’s porn use often cost him $5,000 in fines because he showed up late to the bus to get in one more scene. Nate Larkin sepnt thousands and thousands on his porn and sex addiction. Countless others have lost their jobs due to watching porn on company computers or time. The financial stress of any of these situations impacts both parties in the relationship.
  6. Increased loneliness and shame: Hidden struggles or dishonesty in marriage push us farther away from the intimacy we should be experiencing in marriage.
  7. Betrayal trauma: Many people who discover their spouse has been hiding a porn addiction experience symptoms that meet the requirements for PTSD.

My girlfriend or boyfriend watches porn. What should I do?

Maybe you’re reading this as someone in a committed, pre-marriage relationship. Remember that one of the biggest myths about porn and relationships is that marriage (and the sex that accompanies it) will make a porn problem go away. This is just not true.

The best time to deal with a porn problem is before saying “I do.” Here’s some great advice from counselor Kay Bruner on how to navigate dating relationships when porn is involved.

Porn in Marriage: How do we start healing?

If you’ve seen how porn hurts your marriage or relationships, here are a few steps you can take toward recovery. And, yes, healing from the negative effects of pornography is possible–not easy–but possible.

1. Start the conversation

No matter what your relationship status, the first step is talking about it. Whether you’re seriously dating, engaged, recently married, or married for a long time, if you haven’t talked about pornography and what role it has in your relationship, you really should. What we keep in the darkness by remaining silent grows in power.

2. Realize your spouse controls his or her actions, and you control yours

If you find out porn use has been a part of your relationship, you now have a healing journey ahead of you. No matter what you discover, remember that we each control our actions and responses to others’ behavior. And no matter whether your spouse chooses to pursue recovery or not, you can get started on individual health.

Setting boundaries will be vital for both of you to recover from porn use or the betrayal of porn use. We have written extensively on this topic before, so check out the following articles to learn more:

3. Do the work to recover and rebuild trust

The individual struggling with porn use has recovery work to do to quit porn. But sometimes it’s easy to focus solely on sobriety and forget that the marriage relationship needs attention too.

Or betrayed spouses can focus so much on helping their spouse recover that they forget to spend time on their own recovery–betrayal trauma is a real thing and needs attention.

Learn more about how porn use impacts individuals and their spouse:

4. Bring others in to your story

Support groups—both for the addict and for the spouse—can be a huge help in recovery. More important than the practical tips and accountability they bring, support groups provide a safe place for you to connect with others who are in your similar situation.

Accountability partners, or allies, have also been a key relationship for those who’ve successfully overcome porn addiction. When you have a person you meet with regularly, who’s a phone call or text away during any moment of temptation, who asks you the hard questions and reminds you of who you want to be, it transforms your recovery process.

5. Make honesty an integral part of your marriage

If you’ve been hiding a porn addiction for years, your spouse may not believe the words you say for a while. You need to fight to make honesty an integral part of your relationship.

Many couples have found an accountability software Covenant Eyes can help bridge this trust gap–it sends a detailed report of your internet activity to the individuals of your choice.

This report provides an extra layer of verification and allows you to recruit trusted friends into your recovery journey.

6. Remember that hope exists!

I’d be lying if I said every marriage or relationship impacted by porn is eventually restored. Rebuilding a marriage destroyed by porn is hard work, and it takes commitment from both parties. You need to know this upfront.

But, you also need to know this upfront: HOPE EXISTS for marriages devastated by porn use! We’ve heard from hundreds and hundreds of couples whose marriages have made it through, and they often come out stronger on the other side. You can hear from four of these couples in our free ebook Hope After Porn. 

Porn use does not have to mean the end of a marriage. Recovery is possible, and we’re here to help you along the way!

¹Manning J., Senate Testimony 2004, referencing: Dedmon, J., “Is the Internet bad for your marriage? Online affairs, pornographic sites playing greater role in divorces,” 2002, press release from The Dilenschneider Group, Inc.

²Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “FastStats – Marriage and Divorce,” 2018.

³Steffens, Barbara, and Marsha Means. Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal. New Horizons Press, 2009.


6 Reasons Why Pornography Was NOT Able To Destroy My Marriage

Is Pornography Destroying Your Marriage?

According to an interview with over 350 divorce attorneys, internet porn played a significant role in 60% of divorces. And Huffington Post estimates “at least 30% of all data transferred across the internet is porn-related.” All data.

Those statistics are staggering, but not surprising

My marriage contributed to the statistics. My husband was addicted to pornography.

That was almost 12 years ago. We are still married and far happier than we were before my world came tumbling down.

One question I often get asked is why I stayed

Why did I stay in my marriage after being betrayed? It’s a hard question to answer. Many believe that infidelity or sexual betrayal of any kind is biblical grounds for divorce.

Honestly, I believed the same thing.

With the initial shock of Dave’s revelation, I was numb and reactive. When he asked if I would leave him, I replied, “No.”

However, I didn’t know at that point. I reacted. Probably from my deeply held beliefs that divorce was not an option.

When we married I promised to stay with this to the end. Promise. My word. My integrity. All this was on the line

But he’d broken his word already.

My mind and emotions ricocheted from one end to the other. I had grounds for divorce. He’d rejected me by turning to something unreal to fulfill his desires.

I hurt. No, that’s not strong enough. I gushed pain I didn’t know existed from every fiber of my being.

Then came the panic. What should I do? I had no idea. I’d never been in this position before.

Who could I talk with? My spirit screamed, “No one! No one must know. You’ll be destroyed.”

But I knew I needed help—quickly. Which is the smartest thought I had that night in the midst of the vilification of Dave and other less productive thoughts.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

“This isn’t fatal.”

Yes, my wounds, my pain was real. Yes, my marriage was broken. But could it heal? With those simple words, I hoped it could.

So why did I stay? The reasons varied greatly

  1. Fear. Yup, you read that right. I was afraid to leave. Where would I go? Where would I live? How would I support myself? Could I survive on my own? Did I want to leave? These questions and many more bombarded my conscious and subconscious mind. In my pain and anger I was also afraid.
  2. Belief.

     I did, and do, hate divorce. Notice I don’t hate those who have divorced. I hate what divorce represents. If marriage is a picture of Christ’s love for and relationship with His Church, then divorce blackens that image. Could I add to that blackened image? I didn’t want to.

    Nor was I certain it was the right decision in this situation.

  3. Dave. He was a broken man. After living with him for so many years, I could at least read that in his face. His shame and disgust at what he’d done was palpable.

    He humbly submitted to every restriction and requirement given to him by the first people we went to for help and by his employer. Deep in my gut I knew his response to the discovery and revelation of his pornography addiction was truthful. He desired healing.

    And that gave me hope that our marriage would survive, we could rebuild it, and our relationship could be salvaged. Even though I was devastated and couldn’t trust him at the moment, I wanted to believe he was telling me the truth.

  4. Pride. This is hard to admit. I didn’t want to be another statistic.

    No way did I want to tell my family I’d failed in my marriage. Plus, I believed that if I stayed in my marriage, I was doing the Christian thing. I was spiritually arrogant. Staying meant I was the better Christian. Ugh. Just writing that down makes me sick to my stomach. What a farce.

  5. God. There are times when God tells us to go.

    This wasn’t that time. I never felt peace about filing for divorce. I wanted it. I asked if I could go. Surely, I had grounds. But, Heaven was silent to this plea. All I heard was, “Do you believe I am bigger than this betrayal?” what I knew about God at that time, the answer to that question was a reluctant, “Yes.

    ” I couldn’t imagine Him bringing anything good this. There was too much pain, broken trust, and anger.

  6. Children. We’d taught our children that God would always provide a way through our difficult situations. He was in control of our lives. How could I tell my children that God wasn’t big enough to fix our marriage?

My reasons for staying in my marriage were muddled, messy, chaotic, and selfish

At the time, I couldn’t tell you why I didn’t walk out. I only know I didn’t. And I believe that was God directing stubborn me, even when I didn’t want to listen.

As Rose Colón writes,

“We have seen countless situations in which husbands have been involved in homosexuality, prostitution, self-gratification, pornography or habitual affairs for years. The wives of virtually all of these men felt they had biblical grounds for divorcing their spouse when his sin was exposed.

However, many have seen God miraculously and suddenly grant the gift of repentance to their spouse.

These “re-born” marriages are living testimonies of the power of the Cross—a power greater than any sexual sin known to mankind! I’m thoroughly convinced that no marriage is beyond God’s ability to restore.”

Looking back (hindsight always clarifies things), I know that God protected me from myself.

Photo by Lucas Lenzi on Unsplash

And in the process of healing us individually, God worked a miracle in our marriage. He didn’t simply restore our marriage, he remade it into something entirely new and exciting.

The full story is in my book, Choosing a Way Out: When the Bottom Isn’t the Bottom.

If your marriage has been hurt by pornography addiction, I understand your pain

There is nothing the pain of betrayal in your marriage. However, there is a way out besides divorce. It’s not an easy choice to make, and it’s not for everyone.

But I know that you can make the difficult choices to claim your worth, define your healthy boundaries, and seize God’s best for your life. Wives, click here to schedule a free 30-minute consultation with me.

Book Your Free Consultation

I know the pain. I know the path. Let’s walk it together to a better place.

Kirsten D. Samuel
Aftershock Recovery Coach
8-week Program, Custom-paced Coaching, Remote, or In-person Sessions[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]


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