- Why Teasing Your Partner Can Be Good For Your Relationship (And The Best Ways To Do It)
- 4. Tease But Offer A Solution
- 5. Don't Make Fun Of Character Flaws Or Sore Spots
- 7. Don't Do It All The Time
- 8. Don't Take It Too Seriously
- Ways To Playfully Respond To Teasing, Bantering Remarks
- Things that get in the way of coming up with good responses to being teased
- Having a tendency to get defensive and think people are being mean-spirited in their teasing
- Having a tendency to take things literally
- A bunch of different ways to respond to teasing remarks
- Don't respond much at all, or just laugh along
- If they jokingly accuse you of something, agree with the premise and amplify it
- If they sarcastically compliment you, pretend to take it at face value and give a funny, exaggerated reply
- Jokingly accuse them of having an ulterior motive for teasing you
- Tease them back about the same topic
- Make a humorous dismissive gesture
- Poke fun at the quality of their joke
- Make an obviously bad, corny comeback
- Playfully admit you don't have a response
Why Teasing Your Partner Can Be Good For Your Relationship (And The Best Ways To Do It)
If you want a quick and easy way to put some fire into your relationship, amp up the teasing. It’s a great way to build attraction and can prove to be very beneficial for your relationship overall.
“Being playful is such an important part of a relationship,” Julienne Derichs, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Couples Counseling Today tells Bustle. “It helps couples connect, de-stress, and it acts an important repair technique when couples are feeling tense over conflict.
Laughter and teasing can help deescalate the conflict and help you remember that you actually each other.”
In other words, it can help bring you back to a place of positivity after falling into the drama trap.
In the book Born to Be Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life, psychology professor Dacher Keltner of the University of California, Berkeley conducted a study of couples and found those who were the most satisfied in their relationships knew how to playfully tease their partners. Couples who knew how to tease each other were happier, dealt with conflicts much better, and were more ly to stay together. So, it’s definitely something to consider doing.
But, of course, it’s important to be careful and smart. “Different people react to teasing in different ways and it is very easy to press someone's buttons if you are not careful,” author of The Relationship Fix: Dr.
Jenn’s 6-step Guide to Improving Communication, Connection & Intimacy, Dr. Jenn Mann tells Bustle. “Partners share very vulnerable and private things with one another that should never be used when it comes to teasing. Men often tease each other in their friendships.
But the kind of teasing that works between men, does not work well with the women.”
According to Dr. Mann, the best kind of teasing is “sensitive to the other person’s vulnerabilities but shows him or her that you really see him/her, understand his or her quirks and views on the world.
” That’s the kind of teasing that creates connection instead of hurt feelings and disconnection. “Stay away from things you know to be your partner's insecurities, family vulnerabilities, and things that your partner may feel shame around,” Dr. Mann says.
“Make sure that you are not using teasing in a passive aggressive or hurtful way.”
So there’s definitely a fine line between fun and playful and mean and hurtful. “Teasing your partner can be great for your relationship because it builds a playful rapport,” San Francisco-based matchmaker with Three Day Rule, Allison Gerrits tells Bustle.
«But it's important to make sure the teasing isn't one-sided or too critical. If there are bigger issues that need to be addressed, have a clear and more direct conversation. Don't let teasing become a passive aggressive way to talk things out.
According to Gerrits, here are some dos and don'ts for teasing your partner:
4. Tease But Offer A Solution
For instance, if your partner always forgets their keys, give them a place to put them and form a habit.
5. Don't Make Fun Of Character Flaws Or Sore Spots
6. Don't Over-Do It
Teasing is fun but we've all been there when it goes too far.
7. Don't Do It All The Time
You need to have some other substance to your relationship.
8. Don't Take It Too Seriously
“Teasing is great because it shows that you really know your partner inside and out,” Gerrits says. “You can show them that you love their greatest attributes and biggest flaws equally. Not taking yourself or your partner too seriously goes a long way in establishing a great foundation in your relationship.”
Relationships should be fun. So don't take things too seriously, enjoy your partner, and don't be afraid to get a little playful.
Images: fotostorm/E+/Getty Images; Giphy
«,»author»:null,»date_published»:null,»lead_image_url»:»https://imgix.bustle.com/uploads/getty/2020/11/8/20cff651-e9a8-409c-98f9-07b1dd9765-getty-1284190264.jpg?w=1200&h=630&fit=crop&crop=faces&fm=jpg»,»dek»:null,»next_page_url»:null,»url»:»https://www.bustle.com/articles/196456-why-teasing-your-partner-can-be-good-for-your-relationship-and-the-best-ways-to-do»,»domain»:»www.bustle.com»,»excerpt»:»If you want a quick and easy way to put some fire into your relationship, amp up the teasing. Itâs a great way to build attraction and can prove to be very beneficial for your relationship overall.…»,»word_count»:629,»direction»:»ltr»,»total_pages»:1,»rendered_pages»:1}
Ways To Playfully Respond To Teasing, Bantering Remarks
It's common for friends, family, and co-workers to banter and good-naturedly tease each other. Some people feel they're not good at it, and worry it makes them less appealing to hang out with.
To get more specific, they may not be good at responding when someone teases them first. A buddy jokingly pokes fun at them and they don't have a good reply.
They may worry they come across as boring and they can't keep up. They may tend to get defensive.
Their inability to verbally spar may cause everyone to bug them more, and they don't feeling the group's punching bag, even if their friends have good intentions.
Of course women banter too, but men can get particularly down on themselves if they think they're not up to par, because they're failing at a supposedly core male skill — «Guys bust each other's balls. If I can't hang in there my buddies will look down on me.»
As I say about many other aspects of socializing, you don't have to be amazing at banter to get along with people. There are plenty of ways to be good company. However, if you feel you could use some improvement in that area, and see the upside to getting better, then why not put some work into it?
This article will go over ways respond when you've already been good-naturedly teased and want to keep the dynamic going. This one goes into how to poke fun at someone first. If you've been teased in a meaner way and don't want to joke back, look at this piece.
Things that get in the way of coming up with good responses to being teased
Farther down I'll go over a bunch of different ways to reply when your friends or colleagues are busting your chops. But first, here are two broad mindsets that get in the way of responding effectively:
Having a tendency to get defensive and think people are being mean-spirited in their teasing
This is pretty common in people who were picked on a lot in the past. Whenever someone pokes fun at them their first instinct is to feel wounded and assume the other person is being a bully. They can overreact to harmless jokes by rushing to explain themselves, getting touchy, or shutting down.
If that's you, try to get into the habit of taking a moment to consider what the intent behind each comment was before you react. Of course, sometimes people do use «joking» comments to be jerks, but not always. This article should help:
Ways To Figure Out If Someone's Jokes Are Mean Or Good-Natured
Having a tendency to take things literally
For example, you're hanging out with some friends, and you grab another handful of chips. One of them jokingly says you want to eat all the food yourself. You're taken aback and start straightforwardly clarifying that you're not eating more than anyone else… before it sinks in that they were teasing you, and everyone chuckles at how you're slow on the uptake.
Again, if you tend to be too literal, try to make a point of pausing for a second whenever someone says something that seems unflattering or accusatory. Ask yourself if they may be joking or not, rather than jumping to give a logical response. You may not always catch yourself, but at least try to stop and think.
A bunch of different ways to respond to teasing remarks
There are an endless number of jokes people can make about each other, and just as many possible ways to reply. I can give some examples to get you going, but verbal sparring is really something you have to practice. Over time you'll hone your unique sense of humor.
As I always say, when you're reading the examples below try not to get caught up on whether you personally find each one hilarious, or if you could see yourself using those exact words. Focus more on the core ideas they're demonstrating.
Also, I probably don't need to say this, but imagine every line below being said in a cordial, playful tone. Obviously they'll come off badly if they're said in a testy, butthurt way.
Don't respond much at all, or just laugh along
I know you're here to learn how to be more witty, but this is always an option. If someone teases you, you don't always have to come back with an entertaining line. Sometimes you won't be able to think of a good retort, or just won't feel it.
You can quickly smile or nod to acknowledge the comment, then move on with the conversation. I don't mean to do this in the sense of making a big show of how much you're ignoring their remark, as you might if their intention was mean-spirited. Still be friendly, but don't take their jab and start a whole back and forth from it.
If their observation was really clever and hit the mark, often the best response is to just laugh along with it. There's nothing wrong with being a good sport and accepting someone zinged you.
Let your buddy enjoy their moment. Remember, we're talking about good-natured banter here, not a life or death fight for social rank.
You're not losing anything if your friend points out one of your funny quirks and you go, «Haha, you got me there!»
Article continues below… SPONSORED
On the link below you'll find a training series focused on how to feel at ease socially, even if you tend to overthink today.
It also covers how to avoid awkward silence, attract amazing friends, and why you don't need an «interesting life» to make interesting conversation. Click here to go to the free training.
If they jokingly accuse you of something, agree with the premise and amplify it
- You're putting your dirty bowl in the sink at a friend's house and it causes the pile of plates that's already there to collapse and make noise. Your friend says from the other room, «Are you breaking all my dishes?».
You reply, «I only broke ten. Is that okay?»
- A co-worker says, «You're always talking to Kim on break. You've got a crush on her, huh?» You reply, «Big time. I'm totally obsessed with her.
I've got an appointment to get her face tattooed over my heart next Friday.»
If they sarcastically compliment you, pretend to take it at face value and give a funny, exaggerated reply
For example, your friend says your shirt looks amazing, and they're obviously teasing you about it being too loud and try-hard. You could simply say, «Oh, thanks!» in a somewhat dumb, overly-cheerful way. Here are some more over-the-top replies:
- «Oh my God, thank yoooouuuu!!!» — In a ditzy, vocal fry, valley girl voice.
- «Oooh, you noticed! I hoped you would! Is it hot in here?» — While miming being really flustered and flattered.
- «Oh… thank you!» — In a choked up voice, while pretending to fight back tears.
- «You hate it. Don't try to make me feel better. I know I'm hideous.» — In an insecure, self-pitying tone.
- «Oh, this old thing?» — In a faux-modest voice.
Jokingly accuse them of having an ulterior motive for teasing you
E.g., a friend jokes that you're terrible at the video game you're playing together:
- «You're such a mean flirt. If you want to date me you can just ask, you know.»
- «Oh my God, you're so threatened by me. You don't need to try to tear me down to make yourself feel better.»
Tease them back about the same topic
For example, a co-worker pokes fun at you for eating the same thing for lunch all the time:
- «Ah, I do the best I can. I don't have my mommy to pack my lunch for me everyday you do.
- «Haha, at least I take the effort to make my lunches, as half-assed as they are. You're so lazy you get takeout everyday.»
- «Hey, I go with what works.
I'd rather eat my tasty, reliable sandwich than those weird-ass salads you bring.»
More tips on teasing people here: Ways To Playfully Tease People
Make a humorous dismissive gesture
- Roll your eyes
- Smile and give them the middle finger
- Silently imitate them flapping their gums and nattering on about nothing
- Do the dismissive «jerking off» gesture
Poke fun at the quality of their joke
You don't want to use this type of response too much, as it's a bit of a cop out, but every so often it can work if you can't think of anything else to say:
- «Haha, you're joking about my weight? You think that's original? You can do better.»
- «That's very clever. Did you learn that line on the internet?»
- «Awww! You made a funny!»
Make an obviously bad, corny comeback
This is another cop out response as you're not crafting a reply to their specific comment, but throwing out an all-purpose line. Still, doing that every so often is okay.
- (Pretending to be childish) «Yeah? So's your face!»
- (If they'd get a reference to a late 90's sitcom) «Well the Jerk Store called and they're all you!»
- «Your mom eats the same thing for lunch every day.»
Playfully admit you don't have a response
For example, a friend makes a really clever observation about one of your habits. You could say:
- «That was a super witty line. I don't have a good comeback. Great job!»
- «Haha, screw you… » — In a playful, sheepish tone that communicates «You totally got me with that one.»
As I said, there are dozens of ways you could respond to any one joke. There's no way a quick article can list every possibility. Though the broad options above should give you enough to get started.